not mine, but funny from isitvegan@yahoogroups.com

THE VEG*N CODE

Ever wonder what someone means when they say they are vegetarian? Well here's a great way to find out. Give them this test! Take the test yourself, post the results on all emails, and get your code tattooed on a prominent part of your anatomy!

This follows in the fine tradition of the hacker's code and the grrrlz code, and any number of other humorous labeling mechanisms. It works like this:

The analysis is divided into various sections, each focusing on an aspect of vegetarianism. If a section does not apply to you, just leave it out, letter and symbol. If you are actually offended by an answer, please include the code beside it, but add '%' to let others know that you though it was rude.

When you're done, you'll have something that looks like this:

Have fun?

F - Faces

(--)

If God didn't want us to eat animals, why'd he make 'em outta meat?

(-)

Oh? I'm vegetarian, too! I only eat beef on Fridays!

(+)

I do not eat meat. How could you even suggest such a thing?

V - Other vertebrates

(--)

Well, a fish doesn't really have a face, because it's kind of flat, so unless someone does that trick with a mirror, I'm havin Gorton's Fillets tonight!

(+)

I don't eat fish. They smell bad.

B- Bugs and squishy things

(--)

It's okay to eat shrimp. Everything else does.

(+)

Bugs are just gross.

(++)

These gentle animals are harbingers of great wisdom. How could anyone eat them?

L- Dairy

(--)

Milk is manna. Cows are to be treated as our mothers.

(-)

I don't drink milk, but I eat those weird fake cheese slices with casein in them.

(!)

I regularly consume vegan cheese, and like it! (Liar)

(@)

I am eighteen months old. My mommy feeds me. Can I have a biscuit?

O- Eggs

(--)

Life is not worth living without omelets and toast.

(-)

Well, I would give them up, except you can't make a decent brownie without them.

(~)

Chickens lay them anyway, right? I'm just keeping the world from getting eggy all over.

(+)

I do not eat things that come from butts.

(++)

Protein is an evil poison anyway. Why would I eat an egg?

P-Processes and manufacturing

(--)

Look, I trust manufacturers to be responsible with their labeling practices. If I don't see the word "beef" on the box, it's fair game.

(-)

If I was dead already, I wouldn't care what was made out of my charred bones. Hell, Kodak might as well make a little cash - I'm not using my cartilage where I'm going!

(+)

I recite the A-Z Animal Ingredients list before breakfast each morning. Nothing slips by me.

(++)

I do not consume sugar, use rubber, or buy steel. I refuse to ride cars, trains, or elevators. I tie my organic clothes on with hemp string.

(++++++)

Jainist monks are destructive fools. I live in a yurt I built from my own dung.

R- Plant foods

(+)

Coffee messes with your head. But chocolate? Chocolate is yummy.

(++)

Caffeine in any form cause sub-psychotic mood swings. I once attacked my mother after too many soy-lattes.

(+++)

Wheat is the opiate of the masses! You are addicted, you blind fools!

(***)

It's best not to consume too much protein. I avoid nuts and beans.

(***)

I follow a nonfat diet. I don't even use lotion or conditioner.

(***)

It's best not to consume too many carbohydrates. I avoid grains, fruits, and starchy vegetables.

(@@)

It's best not to consume cooked foods. I eat only raw and living plantstuffs.

(@@@)

It's best not to eat anything much besides grains. I have brown rice with a side of brown rice, three meals a day.

(~)

I eat only fruit.

(!!!)

I fast seven days out of ten. I live on Spirit.

S- Eating

(!!!!!!)

Prana is for wusses.

T- How long have you been vegetarian?

(-)

It'll be a week on Tuesday, not counting that cheeseburger I had last night.

(+)

More than three months.

(

1) More than a year.

(

10) More than ten years.

(@)

My whole life.

(!!!)

I have incarnated thus far only as herbivorous creatures. I was preaching the green gospel at the dawn of time.

X- Do you ever cheat?

(--)

I trust my body to tell me what it needs. Especially Twinkies and Blood Pudding.

(-)

Nothing is written in stone.

(+)

A commitment is a commitment.

(&&&)

Do I cheat? DO I CHEAT?! Do I cheat at murdering my best friend? Do I occasionally rob a bank? Do I, once in a while, drop rat poison in the cities water supply? You bet I do.

C- What did you eat as a child?

(--)

Lots of spam sandwiches.

(-)

The basic four: caffeine, salt, sugar and fat. Source was irrelevant.

(++)

My mom had us on a macrobiotic vegan diet. We took a deep breath of the communal air for dessert.

(+++)

I have been vegetarian for the last seven incarnations. As an infant I communicated to my parents my wishes in the matter. After meditating upon my statements, they gracefully acceded.

(---)

Usually the limbs or organs of a sentient being, and a baked potato.

(|)

I refuse to think of that awful time.

M- What changed your mind?

(*)

Ew. You don't even want to know.

(!)

I accidentally went to PETA's website one day. I am still vomiting.

(&)

I never liked to eat meat. My mom made me eat it until I was old enough to make a real scene.

(^)

Aliens told me it was the only salvation for the human species.

(^^)

I do what my oatmeal says.

($)

I just like to annoy people and it gave me another opportunity to preach.

(^^^)

I had a vision/dream/religious experience.

(~!~)

I had this craving for rarer and rarer steaks. Eventually it progressed to the point where I had this driving need for raw, living flesh. I couldn't get to a pasture or a farm, so I grabbed a squirrel that lived behind my apartment building. The little bastard bit me on the nose! They talk to each other, you know. I've been forced to move to the desert because they started leaping at me, and jumping on me from trees wherever I went. It was horrible. A nightmare!

(:))

I actually met a cow one day. They are really nice.

A- What do you look like?

($)

I wear only fatigues.

(|)

The Queen of England is an unkempt slob compared to me.

(@)

It is hard to tell where the earth that clings to my robe ends and the earth that clings to my body begins.

(*)

Fimo beads rule, dude!

(&)

I like t-shirts with airbrushed wolves and native american sayings. I have a small ponytail in back.

(!)

I never wear clothes. An animal might get trapped inside a seam!

(.)

I wear black to complement my anemic palor. My dark nails are sharp for wounding meat-eaters.

(~)

My exuberant health overpowers any clothing ensemble I might choose. I am life.

N- What is your opinion of nonvegetarians?

(^)

I make decisions only for myself. I cannot tell what is right for another.

($)

I hate them. I HATE THEM!

(~)

I try to tolerate eronious people as a spiritual exercise.

(&)

When I see someone eating meat, I lash them to the chair with hemp rope, and I get out my bag of pamphlets and educational materials. I feel I have been a real force for positive change, if you don't count the rope burns.

(*)

I have never met one of these people. Some of the higher members of my cult have told me stories, but I still find it hard to believe that they exist.

(>>>)

I am a SAHM polyamorist with nine children, three wives, and two husbands. My twins are still nursing. The middle children are all vegan, but the oldest two won't eat anything but pizza. My first husband likes steak and potatoes, while two of my wives are macrobiotic. My second husband is on a raw fruitarian diet. My first wife only drinks blood. I cook five different meals, three times a day. Although my relationship with my vampire wife is becoming strained because she says my blood is tasting thin and tired. Say, do you have any OAMC plans? What with the homeschooling, nest meetings, and the companion animals, I just don't have the time to cook that I used to.