Asian Parent Views On Dating -
- The child is forbidden to go on dates or even be overly social during his/her teenage years, because that is when he/she must focus all efforts on academics in order to get into a top-ranked college.
- While in college, the child is still forbidden to date because he/she must focus all efforts on academics in order to graduate at the top of his/her class and get into a good graduate program (e.g., something lucrative like medicine, law, business).
- After the child graduates from college or graduate school and begins working in a real job (hopefully a lucrative job that brings the family honor, joy, and $$$), then it is IMPERATIVE that he/she find a spouse RIGHT AWAY!
- If he/she cannot find a spouse right away, the parents get all freaked out and ask their friends for advice and to introduce any suitable 'safe' candidates for setting their child up on blind dates. Usually this results in awkward encounters with FOBby family friends' kids or relatives from Asia.
- If the child (who is in their mid-20's by this time) complains, then he/she is just not trying hard enough. After all, all of his/her white friends are married by now! What's the excuse?
- The underlying problem is that the parents pull a complete 180 in their viewpoints on dating and socializing from before their children graduate from college to after they graduate and find jobs. Several of my parents' friends have gone through this same experience. There is an abrupt transition from 'dating is forbidden; focus on schoolwork' to 'you MUST find a spouse now or else you'll die alone!'
preventing their kids from dating is a bad idea. it's funny because then later on, those same parents are pressuring their children into getting married, but how is a kid supposed to find a mate when he or she has never dated. its fine if youre indian and have arranged marriages, but outside of that circle, you have to find someone yourself, and how you find someone is knowing the game. you dont just wake up one day when youre 30 and know the game. knowing the game take years of work, just like learning anything else. if you start dating when you are 12, you learn things about relationships, and by the time you're 30, you have a much better idea of what you want and what you are looking for. currently, i dont believe in marriage. i have never actually dated anyone. i will probably never get married because i think that not having a head start has given me a big disadvantage. starting to learn about dating at this stage of my life just doesn't seem right. with that said on asian parents from preventing their kids from dating, i have noticed this. i talk to a lot of white guys who describe asian women like pieces of meat. they call them sluts, and say that asian girls will do anything they tell them to. most people have the impression of asian women as submissive. i think this has something to do with how their parents restricted them from dating. i dont know. i cant speak for others. white guys describe asian women as being much more freaky than white women. asian women might be trying to compensate for what they didnt do when they were younger. i have also noticed that in foreign countries, the majority of asian women seem to be dating white guys, which probably goes against their parents wishes.
Being an asian teenager, first gen with cranky asian parents, i can so relate to this.
i should only be focusing on my studies and the only time im allowed to interact with guys is if they say "hi" to me.
Yeh, this is why asians are going to be 40 year old virgins.
My parents seem a bit more tame than what I've read on these posts, but they're still pretty traditional when it comes to dating. When I was in high school, I wasn't allowed to date, but I still had a "boyfriend". We never went on a date and only saw each other in school. I would occasionally go over to his house to "study". My parents seemed to know about him (in retrospect), but I guess they didn't think anything of it since I rarely brought up the subject of dating. When I went to college, I decided to break up with him because of personal reasons. Anyway, I ended up going to MIT to study engineering (every Asian parent's dream). Since MIT is about 1/3 Asian, my parents assumed that I would find a nice Asian guy to date and marry after college. I ended up dating a Hispanic guy and my parents (especially my dad) were pretty pissed. Eventually they calmed down and accepted it (it took a few years of me highlighting his superior academics, intelligence, how his background is similar to mine except that his parents immigrated from Mexico, etc.). It was even better when I told them he had gotten a high-paying job as a software engineer. (On a side note, he actually had Philip as a TA, lol - talk about a small world.)
Four years later I'm happily still with him and my parents (now my mom) is nagging me to get married. (We will eventually get married, but we're not quite ready.) Now, instead of the issue of dating, my parents seem upset that I'm not giving up my career to be a full-time mother (I'm not even married yet!). I decided to pursue a Ph.D. and they (mostly my dad) said that it was a waste of time since I was going to have a family. All of this really surprised me because all of my life, they've always wanted me to excel academically and now they want me to give everything up to have a traditional patriarchal family. Talk about conflicting views about dating and academics. Oy.
On another note, my parents are starting to get worried about one of my sisters since she's had very limited success dating mostly because my parents have been extremely hard on her her entire life since she did not excel in academics (she did, however, excel at athletics, which Asian parents never care about unless you're an Olympian or something). This resulted in extremely low self-confidence, which is generally a turn-off for guys. My parents always tell her she should be more like me in order to find a guy (which is extremely annoying since we're totally different people). They are also always pushing her to take over the family restaurant since she's a business major (she's in advertising though). I'm not sure how to make them stop since all it does is make her feel bad about herself. They call her a "wild child" even though she's pretty typical for an American (she likes to do things that are "normal" for people in their 20's, like clubbing and whatnot). I think that if they had supported her like they should have, she would probably have a normal dating life. Gah, Asian parents can be so detrimental to their children's psyches.
I'm a 16 year old Taiwanese male. I met my girlfriend at an overseas camp in Taiwan this summer and we've been keeping a great long-distance relationship for the past four months.
Recently, I've gotten a webcam so it allows me to speak to her face-to-face. But my mom, being the totalitarian she is, just took my webcam away. I see no reason why; I had finished my homework for the weekend, and I've always spent this hour relaxing.
I have no idea why my parents are such against my having a girlfriend. It's not like we spent every living moment together instead of focused on schoolwork; she lives in Massachusetts, 300 miles away for God's sakes. In fact, we've both been compromising times of when we need to work and when we can talk. We both put academics in front of anything else, with our relationship has a close second. We both believe in academics not because our parents said so, but because we both believe we have the ability to excel (yet our parents still excessively prod).
Why buy me a $40 webcam if I'm not even allowed to use it? It's like they're taunting me. "Here's your chance to see your girlfriend - nope you can't have it." Sadists.
I can't even call her because my parents are too cheap to pay for anything more than a "go" phone meant for emergencies only.
It appears that my parents know no compromises. If this keeps happening, I might resort to calling her on my phone, whatever the monetary cost. If they had listened, then perhaps, they would have saved money, as they consistently demand.
I can definitely relate to that. Its funny how my parents work. My dad has this grade-sense that arrives to a unchangeable conclusion about my academic skills out of nowhere. My Mom however has the Girl-sense. Shes the kind of asian parent that goes
BEN! WHO ARE YOU TEXTING???? IS IT A GIRL???? DO I KNOW HER???? DID I MEET HER PARENTS?????
BEN! I DONT WANT YOU TO DATE TILL YOUR IN COLLEGE. (whoops.)
To henry, when you said:
I can't even call her because my parents are too cheap to pay for anything more than a "go" phone meant for emergencies only.
I couldn't agree more. I use up all the money in my account in a month, and my parents get angry. And I have American friends who text at least 10 times a day.
My dad has a very Asian view on dating. Sometimes, when we're alone, he would ask me, "Do you have any friends that are guys?" and I would be too afraid to say anything other than "no."
Recently, we got into an argument and I told him in exasperation "Yes Dad, I have friends who are guys. That does not mean I am going to become a prostitute on the street." (Yes, I actually said that...I still can't believe it). And his response? He got angry and told me "You have no self-respect".
PG- Your points are so true! My parents did it (taiwanese), my husband's mother did this (korean), and ALL of my parents' friends did the same exact thing. What is most ironic is that my husband and I started dating in college. My parents were extremely upset by this. It did not affect our academics, we both have two college degrees each and got married after that. My parents were ashamed to tell their friends that I was getting married, because they were not able to brag about it (I'm a big failure in my parents' eyes, because I did not become a doctor and worse yet I did not marry a doctor). Funny enough, when my parents' friends found out about my engagement, they were so jealous! All of their kids (which my parents have been envious of, since they all went to harvard, got perfect scores on their SATs, became doctors, etc.) were not dating ANYONE (or if they were, they were hiding it, since they knew their parents would not approve of the person they were dating). Suddenly, as soon as their kids finished their college/training, the parental units switch over from obsessing about academics to obsessing about marrying off their adult children and longing for grandchildren. I even had one taiwanese friend, who is now a doctor and her father actually told her to, "do" something about her appearance so she could get married. Nevermind that she sacrificed her social life in order to become a doctor to fulfill her parents' dreams, now they are acting like it's her fault that she isn't married, yet they discouraged her from dating during the prime time when young adults date and find spouses!
This is a great thread. I laughed hard even though I'm living through this ridiculousness right now. There is a spooky resemblance between JS's tale and my own :). And yes, conflicting expectations between dating and academics!
PZ: 'Sometimes, when we're alone, he would ask me, "Do you have any friends that are guys?"'
Once in a blue moon, my parents screwed up the courage to ask me this question too. They're extremely conservative and sent me to a girl's boarding school once I entered 7th grade. Sometimes they couldn't bring themselves to ask but have their friends, who happened to be "just passing by" try to surprise me with the question! I kept saying "no" reflexively, even when I became an EECS major and realized how absurd that answer was. There were plenty of guys in my major, I went to class with guys, I hacked on code late at night with guys... of course some of my friends were guys! I'm just thankful my parents never thought hard about how many guys there are in engineering, or their senses would have been overloaded...
so many similar stories..crazy! i think asian parents need to stop babying us and let us stand on our own 2 FEET. They dont care about our emotions and treat us like robots! they dont want us to get married until we have a good paying job and must check the girl out and her parents to see if they are good. they dont let us have serious gf b4 college coz they scared we get married. they scared that once we marry we will forget about them and leave them to rot. Something is wrong with asian parents. The countless stories i have heard are all so similar and the kids are the ones who are suffering inside..just holding on and taking all the shit they throw at us.
Asian parents are all about face value.
my brother just cant get a life.LOL
well, you can't protect your child forever, children are like kites, you have to let it go!
I can relate so much on this topic. I am 16 and filipino. My parents are fully in on the academics and not dating in high school. They forbid me from hanging out with any guys or even talking to them. I have a boyfriend now and yesterday we just had a talk about relationships. My grades are not dropping and I am still putting schooling first, but they still don't let me. I try to compromise and open up to them but every time I do, they just yell at me. What do they want me to do lie? It's been hard especially now that I only have 2 more years in high school and I have been dating for 2 months. I feel like I am a burden to my parents. All I do is my things harder for them. Maybe I should just stop talking to my boyfriend. What do you think?
This is so true! My mom is filipino and my dad is Polish,although hÃ© has my mom's Asian views.
My mother- I guess she's always tried to push me and control what I do but I never really noticed until last year- no wait I never really stood up to her until last year,more so this year.She keeps on telling me to become a doctor and discouraging me from other career opportunities.Like,"ooh when you're a doctor you get so much money!" or "that job doesn't pay well,and you'll end up broke and working at McDonald's;you won't be so smart then!"(the last mcdonald's bit usually
comes from my dad)
I've considered becoming a nurse before,just to satisfy her.But I realized that if I ever became one it would be because I *wanted* to be one,not because my parents want it.
I've thought about other options and yet they still discourage me!!!!
My mom"Be a doctor! Doctors are the most successful! They get the most money!"
and then my dad just tells me it's so hard,you'll never make it cause of your bad additiude,blah blah blah! I'm not one for excuses usually but why I 'back-talk' my parents is because their pressure and negativity gets to me,and it's so hard to be nice to them when all they do is criticize me.My mother even told me that she and my dad will follow me and watch me while I am in college! She even says she'll choose my husband! I'm not even sure I want to get married right now.
Well,that's about my parents trying to control my future.The present is just as worse.Now,the academic issue.
I am homeschooled.And I like it.I still have friends,but issues with them are in a whole other category :P although they sort of come into play with my parents too.
Where do I begin? I am a good student accademically.I maintain a perfect A+ average with an occasional B. But...my parents never praise me,or give support and encouragement.I mean I just got a 99 average on my math this semester! And what do I hear? my dad "You can do better!" and my mom "Why isn't it 100?"
Then my mom bugs me on finishing quarters.I just had finished the second sem and was about to start the third,when my mom asked if I was done with the third,when just the other day she asked if I finished the second!
Sometimes,my parents compare me to other kids,my friends even.They say "ooh look how better she is than you!" and then my dad " that girl would
never be disobedient to her parents or talk back to them"
And I love playing the piano.Because of my 'bad attitude' to my parents,they've threatened to stop my lessons! They've also threatened to hold me back a school year,saying I've been trying to hard and obsessing over excelling in academics.I mean,Hello?! They've been telling me to get perfect grades for so long,why why the sudden order change?!!!
They even tell me,"Look at all the things we bought you! We bought them out of love for you,and you treat us that way?"
Ugh.Just because you buy things for someone doesn't mean you love them.
Enough ranting from me :) I don't get to do it too often, especially
since all of my other friends don't have a controlling Asian mother and a following father.I've tried sitting down my parents and having a heart-to-heart talk with them,but they brushed me off and wouldn't let me explain how I feel.I know and can relate to some of your dating/marriage problems.My mom is the same,same way! I don't want to date right now.There's apparently too much pressure from my parents and other life issues.
All I can say is that I will try to excel academically whether my parents praise me or not.I want to try for a scholorship or a grant to a college so that my parents will shut up about paying if I get it.(and btw my dad discourages me from that too) Needless to say,I can't wait till I am eighteen.For now I will tolerate them as much as I can and live with it until then.
My advice to everyone else? Stay calm and controlled and when you need to,rant on here to get the encouragement you don't get from your parents until you can break away to make your decisions.
Now I feel much better.And I can actually thank my parents for one thing: Their bullying and negativity and criticism has actually made me a lot wiser,and has given me understanding and consideration of other people.I believe that in the future,our parents' terrible treatment will help us to be better people.And that thought gives me encouragement and endurance for whatever current and future problems I have and will have with my parents.
(I know I didn't contribute much to the dating/marriage issue,but I still consider it as an issue with my parents)
OH MY GOODNESS this forum saved my life...not literally but PJ your opening post made me laugh so hard my asian parents looked at me weirdly and I had to quickly open up a new tab...anyway.
I am a 16 year old girl who lives in sydney, so I'm australian-chinese and I have experienced so many similar stories! My parents are both strict asian parents though I would have to say my mum is slightly more liberal minded than my dad, who has said that I am not allowed to date until I'm 21. nevertheless she does not dare to declare my dad is wrong and I am hoping to change their minds when I graduate and go off to university, they say the same things, teenage years is not time for fun, its time to study, do grown up things later. Its funny because thats the way it is in china, so its no big deal, everyday startes the dating game during your earlier twenties, nearly a decade later then western society, so everyone is on even ground but in australia or america, you are heavily disadvantaged socially if you are on your first date at 21 with a person who has had much more experience and many girlfriends/boyfriends. its something that I've come to accept as I go to an all girls school, and with the popular article, I'm not exactly datable and with all my effort and energy put into studying, I don't have the right social group to go out and meet guys. most of the guys I imagine I will date in the future will be right now probably not dating either but also studying and in the same social group but at an all boys school. I dont know if im making any sense, but I think asian parents have messed up philosophies when it comes to the opposite sex and dating in general, they are hypocritical and unrealistic.
It is a funny situation because my mum initially told me to date only when I turn 21 but when I told her that I was 'nearly' turning 21 (if you call 6 years a nearly) she told me that I wasn't allowed until I turned 24. CAn't wait when I'm 'nearly' 24, because the age of dating would be 27 then 30 then 33.....
I don't get why all of you just can't say, "screw u mom/dad". Imma gonna date and there ain't nothing u can do about it!!
@jackman because they'll go batshit bonkers and fuck everything over and after spending years upon years of mentally fucking us over its to hard to do
1) MY PARENTS FITE AND ARGUE .. AND AFTER THAT THEY SAY ITS MY FAULT
2) MY FATHER SENDS ME TO UNI IM AN OVERSEAS STUDENT AND WHEN IM BACK FOR VACATION HE THREATENS NOT TO SEND ME BACK
3) I GOT SICK AND WAS PARALYSED I WAS TOLD TO SUSPEND MY YEAR TO TAKE REST AND CONTINUE UNI NEXT YEAR WEN IM BAK MY PARENTS SAY IM A FAILURE ALWAYS TELLING ME I FAILED .. WEN REALY I DIDNT I JUS BECAME ILL
4) WEN IM SICK IM TOLD IM ACTING
5) I GOT BEATEN UP AS A CHILD .. I WAS NAUGHTY BT MUM HIT ME SOO MUCH THTSHE USED TO PUT GREEN CHILLIES IN MY MOUTH AND BITE ME ONCE
6) EVEN MY FATHER HIT ME ONCE WEN HE WAS MAD
7) YE WEN THEY SCREAM AT ME I ANSWER BACK COZ I CAN TAKE IT ANYMORE
8) IM NOT ALLOWED TO MARRY ANYONE BUT A GUY WHO IS FROM MY CULTURE .. N THAT LOVE ISNT A CRITERIA . ITS FAMILY RELIGION N FINANCIAL AND EDUCATION
9) ALL CHILDREN WHO DO DENTISTRY DOCTOR PHARMACY OPTOMETRY ARE STUDENTS THEY REST TO THEM ARE FAILURES
10) THEY PAY SOO MUCH FOR ME THEY SAY BECOZ THEY LOVE ME N I AM THE BIGGESST SPENDER IN THE HOUSE
11)MY DAD RAPED MY MUM AND SHE STOPPED LIKING HIM WENT INTO DEPRESSION AND NOW AGAIN AFTER ONE YEAR THEY LIV IN THE SAME HOUSE AND NOBODY KNOWS THIS EXCEPT FOR ME HER DAUGHTER
12) MY MUMS PARENTS R MESSED UP .THEY DONT CARE FOR HER THT CUD BE THE REASON WHY SHE DOES THIS TO ME
13) MY DADS SISTER ALWAYS BEGS MONEY FROM DAD N HE GIVES HER SO I GET TAUNTED COZ THEY SAY MY HUSBAND WILL DO THE SAME AND I AINTED EVEN MARRIED
14) THE GUY I LOVE NOW .. WILL NEVER BE ACEPTED EVEN IF HE CRUCIFIES HIMSELF
ENDING OF THE STORY .. IL HAV TO LIVE LIKE THIS .. FOREVER .... THANK GOD I DONT DO DRUGS .. OR SMOKE OR FUCCK ABOUT ...
BUT I PRAY GOD GIVES ME A GUD FUTURE THERE ARE ORPHANS WHO WISHED THEY HADD PARENTS AND PARENTS WHO WISHED THEY HAD CHILDREN... THER WAS A REASON I WAS BORN ....... THT REASON ... I HAV TO PROVE .. WIL BE MY FUTURE N WHAT I MAKE OUT OF IT ...
I STILL LOV MY PARENTS .. THEY LOVE ME TOO SUMTIMES THEYR HARSH LIEK THIS .. N I CUD WRITE A WHOLE BIG THING
BUT THEY SAY PPL THT HAV SCARS IN THEMSELVES ALWAYS SEEE SCARS IN OTHERS .. THTS WHY HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF .."
MY MOM SAID IF THERE WAS A THIEF WHO CAM IN THE HOUSE AND WUD PUT A KNIFE ON MY THROAT AND DADS THROAT SHED LET HIM KILL ME IF SHE HAD TO CHOOSE ONE COZ ... SHE CAN ALWAYS GET ANOTHER DAUGHTER SHE SAID
WEN I WAS SMALL I WAS FAT MUM WUD SAY DONT CALL ME MUM CALL ME AUNTY
WEN I CLING TO HER SHED SAY GOOO SIT WIT UR FRIEENDS DONT CLING ON TO ME
SHE LOVES TO WEAR MY CLOTHES AND LOOK YOUNG AND PPL SAY IM HER MOM SHES MY DAUGHTER
MOM HAS SUFFERED ALOT IN HER LIFE ... BT NOW IM LETTINMYSELF SUFFER TOO IT SEEMS LIKE SOME PPL DONT REALISE THT THEY R DOIN THE SAME MISTAKE THT HAPPENED ON THEM
SHES ON THE FONE 24/7 AND WEN I GO TO HER ROOM SHEL SAY FUCK OFFF SHEL NEVER LEAV THE FONE .. N SHE DONT WANT ME TO SIT IN HER ROOM TOO
I DONT LIVE WITH THEM HALF THE TIME BECOZ ONE WHOLE YEAR IM FAR IN ANOTHER COUNTRY STUDYIN I COME FOR HOLIDAY ONLY 2 MONTHS N THIS IS HOW I GET TREATED
ON MY FACEBUK SHEL WRITE SHE LOVES ME SHE MISSES ME BUT WEN IM HERE SHE DONT CARE
IM SOO BROKEN ,.. GOD HELP ME I HAV NOONE TO TALK TO IN THIS WORLD
EVEN MY LITTLE BROTHERS ACUSE ME WEN THEY SEE MY PARENTS DOIN THAT LIKE IM A PIECE OF CRAP
IM RICH AND THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS I AM .. COZ I TRAVEL I WEAR NICE CLOTHES BT IF U WERE TO SEE HOW I GET TREATED ,. IN HOME U WUD KNO THT THE PRINCESS LIVING IN THE CASTLE REALY ISNT A PRINCESS SHES A CINDERELLA
I'm 28 years old and my parents are still trying to control my life. I can so relate to this post, my parents wouldn't let me date when I was younger but once I was out of university and 24, I'm consistently told to find a boyfriend and get married. It's not helping that my sister and cousins were married by the time they were 25ish. My mum still rings me 3am in the morning if I'm not home and tells me that she can't sleep because I'm not home!!! I'm 28 bloody years old!!! She uses emotional blackmail and guilt trips to get me to do what she wants and because we have been programmed so well from a young age we fall for it.
Recently I've had this on and off relationship with this Taiwanese guy and was stupid enough to discuss it with my sister who in turn told my mum, this escalated to fights of them telling me to dump the guy and get a decent boyfriend. If and when I want to dump the guy I will, not because they tell me to.
I've finally given up on trying to make them understand me and my perspectives because I can that all my efforts are in vain because they will not try to understand me regardless of my efforts and attempts.
I'm going to move out next year, I'm sure I'll get told that I'm abandoning them but I've had enough!
damn they sound like bitches
I am in a very similar situation as Wynter. I am in my mid 20's, I live at home. My parents are currently trying to get me to break up with my boyfriend... for stupid reasons I should add (because he's 2 years younger and Vietnamese). I introduced him because they kept pressuring me to meet him (I had never mentioned him but they guessed)...
Anyways, since then, they suddenly try to impose a curfew on me. will call me at least 10 times in a row if I don't pick up the phone, constantly checking up on me, will call me all sorts of degrading names and try to make me think I am doing something wrong. My boyfriend was great when he met them, very nice and polite, did everything right... There is nothing wrong with him except the delusions they have built in their minds.
Now they are telling me to move out if I don't listen to them, blaming their health problems on me, saying I don't care about them, that they want the best for me (really? are you sure?), etc etc...
I know this is all just to try to make me feel guilty, so in the past, I have always stayed.
There is so much more to this story...
Not to mention they are not happy with my work path.
I did go to a good university and graduated, but now they are telling me I wasted money and could've gone to a cheaper school because my job's not good enough. They didn't even have to pay for anything... yet they still complain because my money spent then could've been their money now. (WHAT??)
I am moving out in a few days... I haven't told them yet. I feel a bit guilty because I know they will be sad... but at this point I feel like... "what do they expect?" They treat me like I am worthless and stupid even though I give them money for their mortgage, I am working full time and taking 3 classes towards a career that I've actually started to take interest in. I am studying accounting by the way, and though it was one of their suggestions in the past, now they are not satisfied and want me to study nursing. ugh NO
I have tried reasoning with them, it doesn't work of course. I realized that talking doesn't do anything so I don't even say anything to them anymore...
Unfortunately the best thing we can do for ourselves is to separate ourselves from our parents. I would hope it is temporary, but they threaten to disown me. I stopped caring. Honestly I will just tell them that it's their choice and I don't deserve it, but they are responsible for their choice.
wow reading everyone's stories about asian families and how strict they are on dating. i wonder will it work if you asked your own parents how you guys met? turn the question back on them. Maybe if you talk to your parents slowly they will probably understand, especially mothers. There is always that mother and child instinct.. no matter how much you want to lie to them about having a boyfriend/ girlfriend they will always find out in the end. Family connections, you know the chain of asian gossips it goes everywhere and will definently reach your parents in a day. Asian parents want everything perfect for their child they want you to have a good education and want you to marry someone that has a good education or comes from a good family background. In the end... i guess they are sometimes right. But no matter what happens it is still your own life for yourself to make the right decision on what you want to become and who you want to be with. With these type of decisions being made it should be wise. If the decisions isn't made properly you wil definitley regret it...
One thing i'm curious is do asian parents accept you going out with someone that's older than you. Especially girls. hrmm.. if so what age difference is the maximum? 7 years?
@asiankid they dont give a damn about anything i say to em
I think the hardest thing for people who aren't in this situation to understand, is the fact that somehow, despite our parents being utterly hard to live with and tolerate, they've instilled in us the idea that family is precious, and that you always respect elders. And not only that, a lot of the times they turn out to be right-- which is unfortunate... but also fortunate. So when people ask us why we don't just tell our parents to fuck off, it's hard to explain why we haven't. It's kind of like... we know how hard they worked to get us where we are, and as much as they hurt us, we don't want to disappoint. Their "tough love" is something we just feel we have to endure, because that's our culture. You always obey. When we're taken out of that culture, and placed in an American one for example, we feel a conflict of emotions. We want to embrace the whole, "be-yourself-and-live-your-dreams" idea, instead of the asian "make-your-parents-proud-and-be-a-good-kid" idea. But because we realize the value in what our asian parents have taught us, as well as see the end product of many American teenagers these days (no offense to the many American teenagers who are exceptional), it's hard to fully accept the American dream, and leave behind our heritage. The conclusion is this: we (asian children) are always striving to find the fine balance between happiness and being "shiao swune." That basically translates as being... thoughtful of one's parents. It's hard, and sometimes we think we've been wronged, emotionally abused, punished for no reason-- sometimes we stare up at the sky and ask, "Why?!?!?"-- but when it comes down to it, we can't help but think about things logically (the way we were taught to think) and realize that our parents love us. In their asian way. Damn. I know, right?
@ grace: you wrote:
"That basically translates as being... thoughtful of one's parents"
'Being thoughtful' is a consideration and a choice; it does not equate to 'submission to the parent's will'.
Because that's what it is. Control. Submission. Obey. That is the basic Asian foundation: to promote group stability, they are willing to front the cost of individuality and expression. Add in the complexity of vicarious living through one's children, you can come to the conclusion of who ultimately pays for that emotional and psychological loss.
But if you submit to what your parent's want, then isn't that being thoughtful of their wishes? I understand what you're saying though. Perhaps it isn't so much the parents differing, but it's how the children view that loss of control, or the submission, if you will. I feel like when you understand where the parents are coming from, you understand more about how to get what you want, if what you want and what they want differ. I remember times when I got angry that I couldn't go to the mall with my friends. But when I took the time to understand why they didn't want me to, I was able to work around that fact. They didn't want me to stay out late, so I negotiated when it would be appropriate to come home. Some things like age, you can't work around, but now that I'm older, I realize that they were right. I hate those young teenagers who run around malls with no supervision. The point is, you have to get to know your parents. Is it obeying? Definitely. Is it submission? Absolutely. But can it be a compromise? From my own experience, yes. It may seem like they're getting the better part of the deal (because they are), but at least you can do some of the things you want, instead of none of them at all. It takes time (years) for them realize that they've taught you good values, and that you won't go around doing anything stupid. And once you build up that trust, they'll be more likely to feel like you can handle going out alone, etc. The more you throw tamper tantrums without logically thinking things through, the more they'll only see you as an adolescent. You have to find practical reasons that make sense to them. In order to come out of the asian adolescence alive with the most of your mental and emotional psych still in tact, you have to look at things from their point of view. Otherwise, everything will seem absolutely absurd (which it sometimes is), and you'll just want to break away. Which, might I add, is a stupid decision, because then if you ever decide to get married or have children, you can never introduce your family to your spouse's family, or to your kids, which is really sad.
Now, you talked about how we have to sacrifice self expression and individuality (correct me if I'm wrong). I definitely agree that there is a large portion of our individuality that we are never able to discover and explore. We grow up without a sense of who we really are, only what people want to mold us into. But... from my experience as the youngest child of two Taiwanese parents, as you grow older and you experience more, you realize that you do have your own opinions. Some of them might be the same as your parents, but you'll also realize that they aren't too bad, because they make sense. With regards to interests and hobbies that a child would like to learn more about as a way for self expression (I wanted to go into art-- yeah, my parents didn't like that one bit), that's a bit harder to deal with. The trick there is to learn it on the side. Make sure you have a good foundation so that you can support yourself or your family when you're older, but find the time to do what you want on the side. If eventually what you like to do becomes something successful, then your parents will still be happy for you, I can guarantee you that. They might be angry and hesitant at first, but if they see that it's making you enough money to live well, and it's making you happy-- every parent would be satisfied with that, asian or not. Isn't it more logical to do what will give you a good life first, instead of gambling with what you love to do, but don't know if it'll work out? You might be saying that it's not the same, because you lose time. I used to think that I couldn't pursue art anymore because I was so behind my peers in that subject. While they pursued what they wanted (art), I was doubling up on sciences for my electives. But really... If you live to be 80 (which most people do, these days), let's do the math. You're in school until your mid-twenties, maybe mid-thirties if you decide to double major and get a doctorate's, etc. You start a family, you raise them until you're in your sixties. You're telling me that through all that you don't have time to do any sort of project that you enjoy? Bullshit. I've worked while in school, participated in extracurricular activities, gotten straight A's, helped my family with various things, and I know I still had time to watch TV and do things that I enjoyed. I'm not even talented like some students, who can juggle sports and piano lessons-- we never had the money to do that. But don't tell me that you can't find the time or the means to do something you really love and have a passion for, because if there's a will, there's most certainly a way. If you have the passion and dedication, then you can make up for lost time.
Oi, never thought I'd have this much to say.
Oh! But I did forget to add this: Of course there are some things you lie to your parents about. Small things that you know they wouldn't approve of, but that it's just too small of a thing to cause all the trouble and drama to tell them. Things that really, a good kid with more liberal parents wouldn't mind, such as going to dinner with friends. I'm not saying lying is okay, but I am saying that sometimes I do it because I realize that it's for the beneficial to both parties, my parents and myself. Just make sure you do it wisely, and very scarcely. Don't be stupid about it.
I always thought my parents were overbearing, but reading what you guys have to go through I guess I'm a lot luckier than I first thought. My mum's pretty liberal because she was a bit of a wild child herself, but my dad's pretty strict.
I'm also pretty lucky in that the girl I like is of the same background and is a good student etc. I haven't told them much about her yet and try to avoid the subject altogehter, including lying about where I'm going if im seeing her.
Anyway I think the real problem is that over the years Asians have lost sight of what should be each person's true goal in life: to be as happy as possible regardless of what job it is you're doing, who you're dating or how you spend your free time.
We've confused being rich and respected with being happy, and that's going to be a problem until we realise that they're not the same thing.
My hope is that our generation will realise our parents' mistakes and raise our own children to respect us, but not demand the same things our parents demand of us.
Going through similar problems right now. It's semi-nice to hear someone else is going through it with me (semi- because I wish it wasn't happening to anyone, but nice- because it's soothing to know someone understands). My mom's more understanding of me dating than my dad. I'm in my second year of college, and I told my mom I had a boyfriend finally. She says it's okay as long as I keep up with my studies, which is reasonable. My dad just found out last week, two months after I told my mom. He freaked out. I wanted them to meet him-First guy I brought home. First boyfriend/girlfriend brought home from anyone in my family. I'm the youngest. 3 Older siblings. Basically, this was a freakin' big deal.
Anywho, I haven't spoken w/ my dad about it for a week. I barely talk to him now. My mom keeps going on an on about how I need to be careful and keep up with school. It's annoying, because she says she trusts me. Although, she keep on lecturing me and acting as though she doesn't trust me. It's just frustrating. I feel like I have to go behind their backs to just see my boyfriend. This doesn't make me happy at all. Of course I love my parents and that is why this makes it so much more difficult.
because of my parents my "boyfriend" who "loved" me is leaving because he cant be affectionate around them and bc they feel every guy is tryin to rape me or kill me or steal stuff frm me... he can't even attempt to mke them more comfortable for 6 months so theyll stop with their bitching until im 18 and can actually leave and many of u know that if i even leave im disowned.. its a lot im giving up just for him... he doesnt give fuck good job asian parents :)
Holy crap so many posts I can relate to and I felt like I truly am alone in this because I don't have or know any asian people in my life other than beyond irritating asian family/parents. Emotional blackmail is constantly used on me and my family mostly my mother is desperate to have me break up with my current and only significant other I have ever met. We have been together three years and WOULD be going strong if this fucking barricade isn't in the way.
"What on earth is the POINT on being with someone that we don't approve of? It will only cause pointless headache and heartache for US AND you and your partner. Just break up already! You act like who you are with will be forever and that you can't get someone else. YOU WILL, but you have to break up with this person first." They say to my face. And it is absolutely beyond me at how somebody can actually say something like that to a grown person. It is sickeningly rude and hurtful. I don't know a single white family who would say that to their grown son/daughter in regards to their relationship. First of all, what they say is INCREDIBLY fucking selfish and not to mention infinitely shallow because if ppl that you love can come by that often, then why the hell do single ppl still exist and millions of ppl that still feel lack of love in the world. Who in the fucking hell wants to just THROW AWAY whoever they are with all for the price of making their shallow parents happy? What they are asking their kids to do is just barbaric and is forcing them to play with ppls emotions ALL for the sake of keeping the family honour.
I don't know about other asians but I feel that this blood purity nonsense is the strongest with koreans (as I am korean myself) and the ONLY way they may accept it is if you are a chick and your man is super rich. If you are a dude dating/marrying a white lady....prepare yourself. Korean mother in laws are one of the worst cases i've ever heard of when it comes to how much they abuse their son's wives. I also hate how suddenly if a white man has money, it overpowers all the other faults because all they want is just a piece of that money. At that point, that is just being a money grubbing fken bitch. Wanting a man that has a good career is not a bad thing but making that the ONLY end all reason to ever want to marry them is just bullshit.
If they had any fucking brains, they'd understand that a grown persons relationship is far more complicated then "mommy says i can't date you so i have to dump you." --> WTF. And the biggest reason they have against my relationship is because the person i am with does not have that much money, their family bg isn't remotely similar to mine nor their values, and of course that they are white. But that does NOT make them bad people, just different that is all. The racism appalls me but no matter how many times i try to sit my family down to talk about this, she does not understand and never will.
there is something dire yet crucial that asian parents do not understand. The way they raise kids...it is almost inhuman, demented, cruel, irresponsible and unbelievably immature. Yes I know there are loads of things they do that could count as brave sacrifices (I gave up everything to bring you to america etc that we probably hear thousands of times a day) but for ME specifically the bad has unfortunately weighed out the good.
Being brainwashed at such a young age until now, they have succeeded in emotionally tormenting me and becoming culturally alienated. It makes me feel incredibly torn between two cultures and not ever being able to have a stable morality. My significant other wishes to move out with me because their family (being white) sees absolutely no problem in that since we are adults. Being asian on my side, there is everything wrong with it when we are not married. That, I can understand and unfortunately have to deal with but its a culture clash that is at its greatest and as much as my significant other can't help being raised the way they were raised where dating whoever you want when they are of age is normal, I can't help having asian parents that strongly disagree with them in every aspect. One more thing to make things complicated. I am at the moment, in a long distance relationship but the distance is not too great, three hour drive. I already accepted the fact that I cannot move out with them, but that is not good enough since they don't even let them ever set foot in my house. The only time I can ever EVER see my partner is when I visit their house, in which I can't do often due to financial reasons and of course, the unbearable earth shattering screams of arguments that arises from this SIMPLY because I want to see them. If they can't be allowed to come here, WTF am I supposed to do? See? it is truly demented how some asian parents think.
I have lost this war. I don't know what I am even doing anymore. Many times I have contemplated breaking up with who I am with because I did not want to put them through this and because I could not bear this abuse from my parents anymore. The most frustrating yet incredibly painful thing about this is that because my mother is mentally unstable, after enduring the horrible tragic death of her husband(my father) and losing her own mother to cancer and heartache. And in her own subtle way, she demands me to obey her, I am the only thing she feels like she can control in her life. Once she loses me she has nothing left.
I am fucked. If I keep dating this person whom I love dearly, eventually I will have to leave my family for they will never accept it as I will be disowned. However if I cave in and listen to my family, I will be emotionally devastated not ONLY because i just lost the love of my life but because once again, I have caved in to their endless fucking asian brainwashing and that there is nothing else that I can do.
Nothingeverafter, I just wanted to say hi. My mom is the same way. She's always like when you get married... Idk, it creeps me out. She will never have anything to do with the girl I date or end up being with, so idk why she says it like she gets to choose who I date. At the end of the day, only you can control yourself. You are not responsible for how your mom feels or what she says. I've learned through therapy that you will never be able to control someone elses words or actions. Only you can control your own actions and words, not your mom. Sigh, for I have never been in love. I keep putting myself out there though regardless of nationality, age, or skin color.
byong kim, Hello, and thank you for your reply. I am assuming you are korean as well? ...It is nice to know that there are other koreans out there that can understand where I am coming from. To be honest I kind of live in the middle of nowhere in canada where it is very cold and there really aren't many korean people, or at least definitely sure as hell not many korean ppl my age around (I just turned 22). Excuse my swearing from here onwards, i normally don't but everytime I am forced to think about this or write about my personal family life, I reduce into a cold, vengeful being.
You know the most frustrating thing is that the older korean people are, the harder it is to relate to them. I mean I already am for the most part white washed, but I can't help but feel that everywhere I go, even though I am an ADULT by age, EVERY SINGLE korean person who is older than me I know up to date treat me like I am a fucking idiot that can't do anything or take care of themselves. Even if that was the result, I can see why considering how much emotional abuse a lot of korean parents put on their kids, they NEVER ALLOW THEIR KIDS to make their own mistakes let alone LEARN from them. Then if their kid actually turns into a failure they blame the kids instead of themselves.
Even though I am not the greatest kid an asian parent can have, I have never done drugs, had premature sex, fucked around , gotten in trouble with the law or any of that nonsense but yet, I still am treated worse and told I am a fucken idiot for the slightest little things about myself that my family does not approve of.
That is the biggest reason why I am a sheltered useless basketcase. While I am not a bad person because of the brainwashing and the guilt/manipulating complex I endured since I was basically born, everytime I tried to take a great leap at life that I felt would benefit me, I was threatened.
You know whats the worst? It's the fact that even if you try to do something, alot of korean parents PREVENT you from doing it because they believe so strongly that you are going to dishonour them or fail miserably and live in the streets. I actually did well in high school, i really did, but after that I cracked. And instead of trying to reassure me and put me in some GOOD professional therapy, they have robbed me of my sanity, blackmailed me into oblivion and constantly lie to other people saying that I somehow got accepted into a very high ranking school instead of manning up and telling people what I suffer from. There is no way I will ever hear them admit that they have a kid who has depression because OH NO it will ruin their face/pride from other koreans. (which I go WTF to because I definitely am not in a good school atm. I am struggling to even make a good living atm because of the depression I suffer from.
fuck asian parents are too old fashioned. My family seems to think that there is absolutely NO point in dating anyone if there is no marriage involved. I mean I can understand that to a point but who the fuck thinks like that in north america? tons of ppl live together without getting married but even as i say that, they tell me that i will be disowned if I live together with a bf/gf if I am not married to them. It is just a piece of fucking paper! Also, you can get alot of benefits from being common law anyways. urgg.....I have never ever had a NORMAL dating life, every single fucking time my family gets involved and makes me feel like fucking shit if the person is not remotely good enough. As much as I understand they want the best for their kids, being born into an asian family is like the worst thing that has happened to me. My grandparents OMFG are even worse when it came to that. They are nice to me and all but recently i found out that my mom said that my dads mother BEFORE they were arranged to get married, snooped around and behind her back went to her school and the places my mom carried her social life and actually tried hard to find evidence on whether or not she had previous relationships. If she found out that my mother had previous relationships that were remotely deep and meaningful, she would have absolutely canceled the marriage to my mother. Yea it is SO shallow but some asian families especially the hardcore conservative kind are like that. They do not want ANY woman in the family that has been AROUND, same with guys but definitely not as harsh.
I am just dying here. I am in a relationship right now and the person is white. they have a complete north american mentality and cannot undersatnd at all why my family is the way they are. It is just bullshit. Either I have to break up with them to save them the trouble of getting treated like shit from my family (but if i do that my partner will think that they weren't good enough and that is why i am dumping them etc) its just ALL BULLSHITTTT.
I'm 21...yea you heard. 21. Yet, I still don't have the courage to have my parents mad at me. I hid my 3 year relationship with my mexican bf (recently my ex BECAUSE of the hiding matter) from my parents. His parents left home to be with each other at age 17/18 because their parents didn't approve. So he grew up with this idea that "if you truly love someone...you'd do anything for them." I can't... I wasn't taught that way...but I do know it could apply to him in return...if he loves me he'd wait for me too. Growing up, if it wasn't regular school, it's chinese school...7 days a week. Now that I'm at an University, they still make it clear to me that I'm not allowed to date till I'm done with college and have a good job. I love my bf..been 2 months since the break up, I'm seriously depressed over it....all for not ruining the relationship between my parents and me. I've tried making hints...I've tried talking about how all my friends are in relationships...and EVERY TIME, "*straight face* it's not time to be dating and being in love...finish school..have a degree..get a job..FOCUS in school, then later you'll find someone." The hardest part is how much trust they have in me that I wouldn't date behind their backs. I was never treated HORRIBLY bad from my parents...meaning they still let me go out with friends sometimes growing up (with cousins around of course). They did let me buy things I wanted (I spent wisely). Never did drugs..never drink...still don't. I'm pretty much every Asian parent's dream child (behavior wise)..I only do decent in school, nothing too fantastic. They've had beat me many times (not majorly brutal), I was able to accept them all as lessons learned even when I didn't always deserve the beatings. I've just been holding up enough through college...but my heart is doing terrible. I just wish they could accept the idea that in today's society...it's hard to not socialize in a more than friends matter. "Back in their days"...of course it was easy...all you COULD do was focus in school and working to get money, they didn't really have time to be thinking about partners until they we're "old enough" to our grandparents..etc. People can say "do what you want...even if they get mad and kick you out and try stopping all contact between me and my [ex]bf"......but.....it's not that easy...I was never raised to leave them...I don't have the heart to get my parents mad and live with their guilt over a guy who....who knows how long we'd last. I mean sure I feel that he's the one for me....but future's uncertain... what's to do when you come back to them, try to make up apologies that they were right that I was too young to be serious...
Wow, when I did everything my parents wanted me to do as a young adult, I was always stressed out. I even worked at large corporations that my parents recommended to me. Oh wow, and the boyfriend thing, that seems almost impossible to hide! For me talking to a therapist, about those guilt, anger(if any) feelings really can help. Because we all need to make our own lives eventually. Freedom to become our true selves is important. It's part of self respect. I really feel for you, and hope you become more open with your true feelings. Sometimes it's about what we need and want, not all what our parents always want. I'm just saying this because I struggled for a long time to please my parents, and we can get lost inside(guilt, depression, anger) if we don't take care of ourselves. It's not the parents fault, they just don't realize that growing up means freedom to make adult decisions. Don't worry, take it easy. Just suggestions-keep in touch
I feel your pain about the relationship thing. I have been seeing someone (nothing official) for almost a year now and both our parents believe there's no point in dating unless marriage is involved. I found it a bit surprising that this viewpoint applied to his parents as well, considering they are black, not Asian. We both easily relate with the troubles we've put up with with our own families since we both grew up in abusive (mentally/physically) households so there's really no feeling left out and one-sided issues. We really want to be official and I myself do not mind going behind my parents backs... but he refuses to do so cuz there ends up being this feeling of guilt. Even at 23, his mom still pesters him to death. So in the meantime, we're just doing whatever we feel comfortable doing. I guess we just gave up on the labeling thing. We don't call each other official, but we sometimes do act like one (sex, etc)... and no we are not fuck buddies either. Sex isn't something we are only revolved around, it's just a small percentage of us. We are quite happy where we stand today though.. it's like he's my other half, and I'm his.
I just wish our parents had different viewpoints of things. Makes it so hard to live life the way they think things. Even growing up, I didn't really know what love was.. and sometimes I feel as if I don't. I'm always there for the guy I am connected with..help him with things, do things for him because I want to...etc...but i sometimes feel I'm not doing enough even though he tells me and shows me he appreciates. This happens vice versa as well. We even had a conversation a month ago about how we sometimes don't know how to show affection. It's sad really... I never really heard my mom tell me she loves me and actually mean it. I alwys felt she doesn't mean it because within minutes she could turn around and beat me like an animal, saying she wishes she never gave birth to me or my brother. She still tells us that today...and blames us for just about everything going on in her life, even her bad days at work. *sighs*
For all of us who have troubling situations in the relationships department of things - I'm sure we will all pull through. Sometimes I guess we have to learn "love" the hard way, but it's better than never I suppose.
I think you have chosen a wrong way to make your parents happy. First of all, your parents' restriction is unreasonable. Secondly your parents may have valid concerns. Thirdly, your parents may be confused or have mixed the concerns with measures.
Let me explain why you made a wrong choice. I don't think parents will be happy to see you are lonely, isolated, and unsociable. They set up the restriction because they have some other concerns or are insecure. They may be concerned about the distractions of a relationship. They may be concerned that you may get hurt. They may be concerned that you may not handle a relationship properly. They may have a feeling of losing you. Those are valid concerns and you'd be better to address them with your parents in order to have a healthy relationship.
Here are a few advices to you:
1. Don't give up your rights. You have the rights to date someone in college. If you give up under your parents' pressure, parents may not be happy deep down in their minds since they can see you are easily pushed over. You are not mature enough. You are not very independent. This will enforce their insecure feeling. They will feel that you could be manipulated by your BF/GF. So you should step up and show some independence and responsibility, which can actually make your parents happy since you help to reduce their insecure feelings.
2. Admit to your parents that you are inexperienced in a relationship and you need their inputs. Give them an update once a while. Your parents may not necessarily be more experienced than you. This action will make them to feel comfortable and to lose their control. It won't hurt anyway if you listen to them a little bit. But make your own calls and be responsible for your actions.
3. Try to educate them and offer assistance to them to have a reasonable mindset. You can discuss with your parents that the college dating is common even in Asian countries and in your parents generation. There is no need to trash the baby with bath water. You can assure parents you will take good care of your school performance (high education is very expensive and a huge investment. No one should take it lightly.) You will be careful about safety. You will visit parents often etc. Of course if you assure your parents, you have to deliver.
4. Your message should be in line with this: you appreciate your parents' concerns (don't accuse them for their insecurity, which actually could be the truth). You care about their concerns. You will try your best to lower their concerns. In the case that you have tried your best to address their concerns and you conclude that a relationship is right for you, just inform your parents (hiding is not a good option)about your decision with some justifications. Don't argue. They will accept the reality eventually. But you should be fully responsible for your action. You should never accuse parents not guiding you if the relationship turns bad. It does not mean you cannot go back to parents for help. Just don't accuse them.
This is a good example that parents can have unreasonable demand not without valid causes, which is the same as kids can have unreasonable desires. People can take wrong action for a wrong cause. Many parents won't tell you that they feel insecure but tell you what you should do for your benefit. This happens to kids a lot too. To give you an example, when a kid has a difficulty to solve a math problem, it is more often than not that he/she will tell parents that the math teacher is stupid or the assignment is unreasonable or whatever reasons he/she comes up with. In this case, parents should not just go to see the teacher to demand for reducing the assignments to make kids happy. Parents should evaluate the kid's complain carefully and offer some assistance such as tutoring to help the kid to overcome the difficulty. If the kid can remove his obstacles in the math problems just by showing unhappiness, parents are encouraging the kid to be unhappy because the kid would learn an easy way to solve problems. So the unhappiness will become a solution. The same is true. If you give up your rights to make your parents happy, it is not sustainable. Parents will acquire a wrong solution to solve their problems. They could be unhappier, which would defeat your initial intention. So don't be upset. Be smart.
My mom,who died of cancer May 20, 1999, finally did say she was proud of me and even said she loved me, the week she passed away. I'm feeling teary-eyed now, but I'm sure our parents mean well. I'm not here to tell anyone what to do, just a support to those who have been through similar situations. It's OK to feel your feelings, but be true to yourself , with kindness. Things will work out in time. Enjoy the moments. keep in touch
I don't think my parents told me they were proud of me until I was about 35 years old. Unable to remember hearing it before then, I am still not sure they really feel that way.
Following is a quote from the book "Secrets of the Millianaire Mind"
When you are complaining, you become a living, breathing "crap magnet."
Have you ever noticed that complainers usually have a tough life? It seems that everything that could go wrong does go wrong for them. They say, "Of course I complainâ look how crappy my life is." And now that you know better, you can explain to them, "No, it's because you complain that your life is so crappy. Shut up... and don't stand near me!" Which brings us to another point. You have to make darn sure not to put yourself in the proximity of complainers. If you absolutely have to be nearby, make sure you bring a steel umbrella or the crap meant for them will get you too! I stay as far away from complainers as possible because negative energy is infectious. Plenty of people, however, love to hang out and listen to complainers. Why? It's simple: they're waiting for their turn! "You think that's bad? Wait till you hear what happened to me!"
I thought this forum and website is for people to get stuff off their chest and in doing so complain.
I bet you are wrong. Read the message from pg on the main page. In addition, there are different ways to get stuff off chest. Negative and destructive ways are not good ones.
I bet you are wrong, as evidenced by all the people complaining
but I'm sure an asian dad would never be wrong
The charter of the board is not decided by abusers. I am glad to see more and more rational people with balanced views on this board. I can be wrong by facts and logics not simply by your words or wishes.
I am a 16 year old Polish girl. For the past 6 months I had an Vietnamese boyfriend. His parents are very strict about dating and don't want him to have a girlfriend. He doesn't do good in school but ever since he has been dating me he got better grades (I even offered to tutor him. I'm a straight A student taking 4 advanced classes). He has tried many times to tell his parents that he is dating me but they always seem to get angry if he even brings up dating. Just yesterday, his mom found out about our relationship. (She owns a nail salon and one of the people from our school came in and told her) His mom, furious, slapped him. Leaving cuts on his face and yelling at him, she threw his things out in the street. She kicked him out and now he is staying with his cousin. We decided to separate earlier this morning so he can have time to sort things out with his parents. We really don't know what to do at this point, can someone help or give me advice?
I don't have advices for you how to get it better. It is a tough situation. Patience could be the key. But I have some advices for you not to get worse. Don't choose to be negative. It will most likely not work in your favor. Working with parents cooperatively is the best choice. Trying to meet parents needs and to address their concerns while meeting your needs. Remember delayed gratification is an important element in the happiness or satisfaction. Take the situation positively and take it as a test for the relationship. With your patience, cooperation, and creativeness, you will overcome the difficult situation. Good luck!
Thank you very much. I will be patient and try to meet his parents wants and needs. I really care about him and want to make it better. Thank you once again.
ugh. At least you people aren't getting pushed into an arranged marriage with some family friend.
OMG! I love this forum, first of all, I hate my stupid asian parents, they are like yadayadayada, seriously! they are so annoying, some of the things i want to complain about is not really marriage because we never talk about it or arranging it, they just tell me stuff like " you can not paint your nails, do you know how many people died from nail polish, it's bad stuff." "you can never dye your hair, your hair is so healthy and black, you can never die it, plus the stuff you dye it will will make you sick and then you will die" or " don't wear makeup, who do you want to wear make up for, boys? you are not pretty but you are not ugly either but you do not need makeup, understood?"
UGH!!!! I hate them.
I'm a sophomore in college with my first boyfriend. I grew up in a very traditional Chinese household. My parents sort of catered me to despise boys while I was young (it's kind of funny now, we joke about it together) telling me they were less than girls and I should stay away from them. Unfortunately, this led to quite a lonely and awkward K-12 experience with boys. My parents were a little apprehensive when they learned I had been dating (without their knowledge), a white boy for five months. My mother was a little more concerned than my father, primarily for grades, etc. The most surprising thing was that my father wanted me to be happy. He even said, "I don't care what he looks like. As long as he loves you and has a good heart and mind, he is okay with me." I was extraordinarily touched. I cannot speak for everyone...but my parents mellowed out a little during the final two years of high school, so for me, things did get better. Keep your heads up. Your parents may surprise you :)
At least your parents mellowed out - even after finding out you dated behind their backs.
I was dead honest with mine with my first serious boyfriend at 18 and they (my parents) wouldn't talk to me for a week. They were pissed the hell off even though I did something they wanted me to do - be honest. Days before that, mom told me to be honest with her and tell her when I do have a boyfriend.
With that said, I pretty much lost all trust. She claims I can talk to her about anything, but when I do, she gets pissed off saying my mind should ONLY be about school blahblahblah who cares about your feelings blahblah.
Sometimes I'd be in such a great mood it's so noticeable and my parents have an issue with that. And then they ask "Why are you happy?" with an unhappy tone...
My parents are like never happy by the way. They are screaming yelling bitching skfjsdkfjsdkfjsdfsd all the time here. It's sad.
I honestly don't get it, I've always wanted to shine out as an individual, think like an individual and simply be one. Though from my upbringing it's pushed me to further rebel and go against everything they say. I'm in my early 20's and have the misfortune to put up with them. Sometimes it really makes me wonder, I love them but I hate them at the same time and it is far too unbearable now. So how does one leave on good terms without being disowned or kicked out for good?
I'll let you guys know if I find a way!
P.s. I've been dating since I have been 16, though again my parents have never really ever been able to speak about it, as it doesnt seem to be something they are comfortable about.
To be honest....I stopped caring a long time ago.
When you're still young and have your life ahead of you, You have to remember that they don't live your life.
I live in a traditional Hindu household. So i'm not allowed to date until marriage. I'm not going to get a complete arraged marraige(a stereotype about Indians), I get to chose like my brother & my cousins do. But I don't care right now. My mom always compares me to my brother because he is a walking encyclopedia on knowledge somehow & she likes to yell at me about how I'm not like him if I make the slightest slip up. Even though she doesn't understand WE ARE DIFFERENT. She'll never stop & my confidence & happiness has suffered greatly. I don't even have friends right now. So I'm bitter & cynical now. I also tend to hate boys sometimes because offear of rejection, because I don't always trust them, & because it's funny as long as I don't really hurt them. But i hate a lot of girls as well.
So in short asian parents DON'T understand the effect their expectations have on their children's psyches sometimes. Trying to understand the child as an individual would help. their parenting is different from the western world and they want the best for their child but they have to realize the child is human.
I don't care that I'm not allowed to date. to me it's part of my religion & I understand why. It's never to late to learn the game, plus I'm in tune with people so I can sniff out a person's basic personality. no worries there.
I don't understand why I have to be compared for not academically exceeding as much as my brother. I like art but my mom cals it stupid along with the fact I watch the simpsons just b/c I don't know as many facts. but I AM smart, I'm good at math stuff. I'm in my early 20's & a Computer Science major. My mom doesn't understand how much she destroys my confidence. As if my last Comp Science teacher wasn't a monster enough who tried to destroyed me as well. It makes me want to burn down a building sometimes. I can't take it anymore. I rebel & act as different as possible but I do try to show my mom I can be what she wants me to be. I watch these interesting historical shows on TV, different from what my brother does. I will show her but i will be ME.
you know what is completely ludicrous about all this? is that while we(asians) have to go through SOOO Much just to even date anyone let alone marry, theres white kids that go around having one night stands, premarital sex, drinking/partying, dating people, hell dating the same gender and dating multiple people at the same time/swingers yet their parents even knowing that do not care. I know I am generalizing here but generalizations and stereotypes come from REALITY for the most part. I am not even talking about the exceptions.
Take a white girl who goes out to parties and clubs, gets hammered and has sex and her family founds out they will go , "well if she is an adult, that is her own choice even if i do not approve" yet I doubt they would toss her out of their life. But take an indian,arab or asian girl doing that and she will be massacred, literally depending in the place she is specifically from.
My buddies, him and his gf live in an apartment and are not even married and have been since she was like 20 and he was 22. He is not even done school yet and he probably will not even get a good (or at least what asian families consider GOOD jobs to be) EVER! Yet the girls mom does not give a shit and everyones all for their marriage. WTF?
me? If i even remotely do that with a person whom my family does not approve of, or even worse if the guy or girl has low education and not a good job, there is no way in hell i would still have connection left with my family. They will disown me and think i am a disgrace.
It really is a night and day difference between how asian families treat their kids vs white ones. Most white people i know I even ask them "Dude, your mom lets your 15 year old sister go over to her bfs house and stay there for weeks?" or "dude, how come your family doesn'tt pressure you to go to university?" and they go "because it is none of their business and it is their own kids life." again, such "i give my kids independance' mentality is soo normal for their culture but not for asians. They still treat their 30 something year old son like they are ten. No wonder white/asian marriages end in a disaster, Im sure the cultural difference is just way too much.
Anyway, there are both huge flaws with how people raise their kids regardless of what culture. Asians are too strict while white ppl are not strict enough. I wish there was a middle ground but nobody seems to know how to reach that.
Funny how we think that Asians don't do anything. My cousin from Canada(won't say where) got pregnant at 14 or 15 and married her boyfriend (both Chinese). Well years later this child went to college and made everyone proud, parents still married. My aunt was very supportive of the marriage and everything. Doesn't sound stereotypical and really when you think about there are 1.3 billion Chinese in the world, man someone is doing something! My own parents were very strict and controlling, and my overbearing parents placed alot of guilt on my brother and I. Maybe that's why my brother never married but has lived with his girlfriend for 10 years.
What asian parents don't understand is that dating doesn't come naturally. After being segregated most my life (I am in high school now and have been and am going to a single-sex school) I find it awkward and difficult to interact with the opposite gender. Asian parents have to understand that dating cannot come instantly. It must be built up over years of someone's life by interaction with the opposite sex. Segregation is NOT the solution to getting good grades. The correct way is to go to co-ed schools so we have a healthy life and also are able to achieve academically. It's too bad my asian parents don't understand this.
I've been dating an English girl for nearly two years now. I've met her parents, siblings and even been to couple of family events; but my own parents have no idea about this. They've seen her a couple of times, but I've always said she was just a friend. We both love each other very much, but I feel like my head's going to explode from keeping our relationship a secret from my family. I'm 19, going 20 in January and most my friends have girlfriends/boyfriends, but my parents are like "Do your work first and after you graduate you can find a nice girl, etc". Every time I'm going to see her, I have to lie to my parents about who I'm going to see. I've been thinking about this ever since we got together but I still have no idea how to tell them. Can anyone please help me?
Not sure why you are hiding. Here are some ideas. If you are serious about the relationship, you should bring it up to your parents not for the approval but for the respect. You can try to find a good moment to bring the topic up in the form of asking for the advices. If they disapprove, do not overreact and your message could be firm but the tone must be gentle. You could also assure your parents that you are taking good care of all your businesses. This relationship is only going to be helpful and positive. If they offer some advices, listen not argue. Remember you are not teaching them how to date anyway. It is up to you to take their advices or not. Project some good images of your girl friend to your parents. Tell them some good stories. Good luck!
As much as it agonizes me, I have to side with the parental units on this issue at least until one is out of high school. I've just never really seen any point in getting involved in a romantic relationship during your teenage years when it's bound to end anyway. Sure, it's good to get some experience and knowledge before you enter the real world, but it's just never really crossed my mind as something absolutely necessary when there's an entire shitload of other stuff to worry about. And our brains are still developing anyway. But I guess that teenagers are going to do whatever the hell they want, regardless of their parents' wishes, and I commend you all for not lying down and letting your folks walk all over you. Best wishes for young love.
Thank you very much for your advice and the prompt reply AsianDad! As I'm at university right now, I only come home once a few months or during holidays only. These are pretty much the only times I get to see my girlfriend, unless I visit her at her university (which is 200 miles away). Since I'm going back to Uni in two weeks I was meaning to tell them a week before I go to avoid being 'grilled' by them. However, today Dad gave me this lecture about not having any distractions during the next two years like going out too much or relationships. Usually my Mum's the open-minded one, but she agrees with him on this one - the only person I was tiniest bit comfortable with telling. Now I just feel like it's better to keep the relationship a secret than having constant confrontations with my parents as I have been doing recently regarding the freedom I have. I mean, the parents are happy since there are no 'distractions', and my girlfriend and I are happy as the relationship is still there. It's a win-win situation right?
I would trust your judgment. You are in the best position to make the call. You got to weight out the damage of trust vs stress/distraction. If your assessment is that your parents are just nut heads and telling them will be more damage than hiding. Keeping it to yourself is not totally unacceptable. Keep in mind, disagreement and conflict of interest with parents are ok and don't intentionally avoid them. If you keep avoiding, the issues will build up to the point to break down. Setting their expectation right from time to time is actually a good idea. To some parents, trust could be a huge issue and hard to repair. So don't take it lightly and be careful about what you are doing. If you think your parents won't be open minded and you have difficulty to bring it up in person, sending emails to update them may be another option for you. In the email, you can tell them that you respect them very much and don't want to hide this to them. Tell them that you are very much focused on your business. It could be a huge distraction for you if you break up with your girlfriend. Tell them if they have concerns, you would like to listen to their advices (this will open up the discussions with them). Try to gain their understanding. Don't be mad at them regardless they approve or not. You can move on (this does not mean you should disown them or cut off the relationship with them. It means this issue is over.) as long as you have tried you best to work out with them. Wish you the best.
My parents are not up for me to date either. XD" Of course, where I live there isn't a lot of Asian people and when there is the rare occasions where I do meet someone Asian, they end up being from the supposedly "not good enough" families so I'm at ends with any prospects of dating with the "guidance" of my parents.
Either that, or the moment I meet anyone who's Asian (whether a boy or girl) my father immediately tells me to not let my "A" slip from my hands and to kick them into the dust. @_@" I am somehow glad that my mother is not like that. orz
I been reading everyones post and realized wow im not the only one! I feel helpless and alone when it comes to dealing with my asian parents. I am 21 years old and its my last year in college. My parents is really strict especially my mother. Me and her have trust issues since god knows how long!!!! Through my high school years i was never allowed to go out with friends or do things that kids my age was doing even till this day. I never had the courage to ask my mom to go anywhere and till this day i haven't figured it out whats holding me back! I realized everyone is using the term " disowned" and as crazy as it sounds but do we really feel this way and why is it that we feel this way?!?!??!
Another issue i have is recently i broke up with my bf of 3 yrs (he is white). We have been dating since i was 18 but things have been getting out of hand for the last couple of months. I was young and naive back then didn't know the consequences of dating behind my parents back. We tried to make it work but things seem to be getting worse! Our relationship didn't get anywhere with this whole sneaking around bullshit and at the end of the day i have to suffer and deal with my family. I finally came to realize i am in no position to date anyone right now as long as I live under their roof! My parents have such high standards especially my mom... she told me i can only date lawyers, doctors. To them its all about the money and no love. I understand having money and being wealthy can get rid of some problems but money doesn't buy happiness. What bothers me the most is that my mom doesn't even respect as a person! She doesn't give me any room to grow and experience. And the sad part is that each one of us is so brainwashed and we are completely aware of it! I am so sick of putting up with their bullshit and is seeking a way out of this!
Im currently in my mid 20s and really want to change my life because it has been so depressing all these years. Im a persian girl who grew up in Europe and always wanted to be independent and stand on her own feet rather than being treated like a baby 24/7 by her family. As you might know: asian parents are very strict!! And this is the truth. I grew up in a household where nobody kinda taught us what life is about, when I hit my teenage years or even before that there wasnt anybody who taught me all that stuff about boys and girls and the changes during the years, I even had to look it up on tv to know whats going on! How embarrassing, till date I havent talked to my parents about sexual stuff etc. Im not used to that situation anyway! To start: I wasnt allowed anything during my life(okay, a little bit harsh). When I was young I wasnt allowed to play with boys, to be friends with them and even think of a crush...I was really far away from even looking to a guy. My father is very conservative. We kids were very scared of him because he was/is like Hitler. Always screaming and complaining etc. We lived like in a prison. We kinda still do. I never had the chance to meet or date a guy, I was soo shy, basically socialphob because of the strictness I received from home. My self-esteem was the lowest I could imagine, I was stressed every day, I got so severe acne and became even more depressed. I wasnt allowed nor had the wish to wear revealing clothes and at the presence of my father was always shy, calm and like a child, he always insulted me being an idiot who had no right, no say in family matters. If he painted our living-room wall red and I suggested not to do that he ignored me..he always ignores me anyway. On the outside its not like my parents would praise us (or better say me alone, because my sister is a dentist and has kinda reached a high level in society), they always complain what an idiot I am etc...sometimes I think they have no brains...but on the outside they still act as if we are a happy family etc...yeah..my foot..they act as if they dont have a serious mental illness...i got depressed about this and they say I'm mentally ill...yeah..yeah...if people treat you like a slave someday you become insane!
Because of them I still dont have the courage to even breath the right way when somebody (a guy) talks to me..I think: you are not allowed to do that! Its forbidden etc..OMG! What a monster they created! What kind of life am I leading?! Im studying to become a teacher and wonder how I will manage that..if i have no say at home how come I will be strong enough to stand in front of the children? Im really scared...
Yesterday, my father called home and asked my mom if it would be okay if me or my sister marry an acquaintances son(who is a looser btw).....holy shit! Arranged marriages are common to our culture circles but still it left a shock-situation...even considering this is crazy...someone u dont even know come to ur house and ask for ur hand..i feel like in prison...i may say no but still this freaked me out...
I acted okay towards my mother but inside I was like: pack your bag and flee to Japan or somewhere else where nobody can find you...I told my mom that its too early even to think about this and she said: "we are thinking about it for a long time...someday you should get married"....HELLO????????????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Guys: Im persian but i hate our language and our culture(if there is a culture..i dont think so..), Im into korean and japanese guys..certainly japanese..I wont marry someone else...I only like asian guys...but as my parents/family never even accepted any of my choices and only laugh at me, they dont take me seriously...thats why I lost all my self-confidence and wonder how my future will look like..Iam somehow dependent on them, on the other hand I just wanna move out..but I cant somehow...they say: after all family is family....dunno what to do...dunno if I ever get the courage to live life freely and date a guy....
If anyone is in the same situation like, feel free to message me:
Wow.... Finally read all of this... It's all really sad. But not all Asian parents are like that. My parents...well, I actually think I'm kinda spoiled...but I can relate to the respect ur elders and stuff like that...
I used to be kinda shy talking about guys with my parents (I always had a lot of guy friends, they didnt mind) but now as I'm getting older it seems a more open subject. Although, I have a friend that I like and i think he likes me but his mom is so traditional and stuff so I can't even ask him out.... I mean when we're alone with friends and stuff I'll hold his hand but no way would we do that in front of his parents... I kinda wonder if I'll have to move on...cuz his mom believes in dating after Finishing school at twenty-something......I wonder why (most) Asian parents r so stubborn, I mean, if true love really comes, you can't stop it..
Well one last clarification...I actually am kinda surprised about the abuse....my parents love me very much and I feel that I'm getting to kno some of the real world......some parents are really.....ick
I am 24 years old. My mom tells me to never come see her or my grandparents or anyone in my family again if I move out. Not even when she dies. She even told my older brother to lock me out of the house if I ever tried to get in. But she's the only one against me moving out. I've lived outside my house for 4 years in college, and I've even taught English abroad for a year and I don't think she even cares about me (she's only called me once to find my car key). And I had no choice to move back home once I came back. I've been trying to get out b/c I can't stand her bickering at me every time she sees me. I would understand if I'm doing something to piss her off, but I honestly don't do anything to her. She'll just barge into my room and start insulting or babbling things for me to do.
I'm beginning to think that it's not tough love, but bitterness. I think she is very bitter that she had given birth to me, and spent her earnings on me. I have never done anything for her, only because I don't think she knows how to be a good mom. She expects me to repay her and do good things for her and buy her gifts (she is a money hungry, greedy person). She's never given me the things I wanted, never a birthday gift or christmas present, never taken me shopping, never came into my room once when I had chicken pox. My grandma was my real 'mom' and I do treat her well.
My parents are also against my bf cus he's not korean, but they will not bring it up (it's their style- if it they ignore it, it doesn't exist). My dad brought up something once before, how people don't need to get married so early and that age 30 is a good time to get married (probably hoping that I meet someone Korean by then). Weird, I know.
I realized I'm getting too old to play these stupid games. They don't respect me, and they always think I'm up to no good. She's always trying to dictate other people's lives and people run away from her. I don't even drink/smoke or go out partying because I'm basically under their radar... this is no way to live life. I've decided to move out within a week.
Asian moms are just naturally crazy if they're from Asia. PERIOD.
sh-just wanted to tell you that when I was dorming at college, I wanted to take dance classes, which pissed off my father big time. So I stopped taking the dance and continued the graphic arts/liberal arts classes. Father didn't want to pay for my college anymore because I was not sure about going into teaching. So I had to go back home and attend a local college. I also worked part time and was able to move out against my father's wishes. So I shared an apartment with 2 other girls attending the same school. Well my father was so angry he wouldn't talk to me for months. Finally he caved in and realized I was capable of doing both school and work, so maybe things will change, you never know. Our parents become way too dependent on us and may not know when to let go.
I got into a verbal argument with my older son who I thought was going to hang out with me for hours. I wanted him to be my social buddy, and he said, " Mom, I don't want to hang out with you all day!" I got very hurt, because he should have heard me mention 100 times my plans for the day. He's an adult! I have to let go! It's hard, but as a parent I've become dependent on my kids! I need to let them make their own mistakes and the rest. Getting back to guilt, maybe your mother will eventually accept your independence in her own way and time. Everyone reacts differently, no guarantees, I know it's even harder to leave our own parents too. Good luck, things WILL work out, you sound reasonable. Change is hard for all of us!
I am a Korean/Filipino girl who has second generation parents that met here in the United States and speak English dominantly. However, even though they have grown up in the United States for almost their whole lives, they still have Asian ideals when it comes to the idea of dating. All I hear from them is to wait until after college/when I have a steady job before I can even consider dating. But then what? Arrive late on the dating world with little to no experience? Recently, I got a boyfriend, and he feels that he should formally meet my parents because he is uncomfortable with me keeping the truth from them. I was fine with that, and I actually planned on telling them, but my brother recently left for college, which made me practically an only child. Now, my parents hover over my shoulder in all aspects of my life, since they can focus all their attention on me now. That includes the boys-are-the-spawn-of-Satan talks at least once a week, and how they will also distract me from my studies. I really don't plan on telling them anymore, but I don't know how long I will be able to continue hiding this from them. The most frustrating part of the whole situation is the hypocritical standpoint of my parents; they met and fell in love in high school. I just don't understand why they won't allow the same for me if it worked out well for them. They said they don't regret their choices, because they are happy. I just don't understand why I'm forbidden to do the same. It's unfair.
Jade, my mother (from San Francisco Chinatown), my father (Los Angeles) married very young, early twenties. Soon afterwards they started a family while my father was in the army. Long story short, I was told all my late teens into my adult years to never marry early, and go to college. They missed out on college and had many responsibilities during their early 20's, so maybe your parents are trying to guide you into the opposite direction like my parents tried to do. I actually was obedient for a long time while living at home. Each generation sees the world differently and maybe our experiences will be entirely our own. Maybe your parents will open up to your situation even though they say it's forbidden. Good to hear your parents were happy so that could be a positive! Much Luck!
when i was 12 and i had a 15 yr old bf.One day my parents came back earlier than planned and saw me hangin with him and they totally freaked and my dad started giving the talk that im to young and that im still a baby and that u have 2 ask me to go out with her and everything and she cant make any of her own choices and he asked if i could go to homecoming with him but my dad said something and my x bf didnt get what he said afterwords he just left head down.I felt so bad when my dad didnt stop yellin at him even though i told my dad to stop.its a really bad idea to tell ur parents bout datin people.ever since i lost much privileges and trust and my half siblings always ask do i have bf and all that .my brother is the more helpful one who tried 2 make my parents understand.Since my brother likes this girl who is muslim my mom doesnt want him 2 marry her because you will have 2 change ur last name to theirs. .the day after that we broke up and then a month afterwords my mom still talkin bout me and him.ever since Telling me y did u kiss him and that if you do that people will think you are easy going (slut).I just hate being chinese .its so stupid how most chinese parents are like that!they do not understand that today's standrds have changed much since the 70's. my friend is half chinese half hmong and her parents let her date though but in group date .she is so lucky.
It's pathetic how things work all of a sudden. 2 years ago, I was with this guy.. told my parents about him. They flipped and made us break up. Now...at almost 21, my mom keeps telling me WHY YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND YET?! WHY?! WHEN YOU HAVE BOYFRIEND TELL ME OK?! well bitch you told me that 2 yrs ago and totally lost my trust....
"Indians are fine cos they have arranged marriages". That is not fine at all, having decisions made for you your whole life, even when your parents are gone is horrible. I'm 16 and I'm not allowed to date cos my partner will most likely be chosen for me. I find that hard to deal with because I want to fall in love, make friends and have good memories. But I'm not allowed as it will "shame" my family. I don't think I'm allowed to go prom either and so when I'm an adult I won't have any childhood memories. I don't have any male friends, hardly allowed to go out with female friends in case guys are there, and have to stay at home every day. Then when asked why don't I go out and stay lazy at home all the time, I'm like it's cos u won't let me. My dads answer: you can go grocery shopping with your mum. I can't win anyway. I go out, come home now. I stay home, your lazy. I talk back, your being disrespectful. I don't talk, your being rude. What am I meant to do -.-
All of these stories are great but unfortunately i have heard so many like this, and i feel like i have heard it all a thousand times. I am not asian and after 2 years of dating my asian boyfriend his parents pulled the nerve together to want to meet me. Any advice as to how to get on their good side, aside from the obvious, i cant change the physical things like the fact that i am not asian, and i can only lie so much about my major (we are both in college) what else can i do. I know if they dont want to like me there is little i can do but please, give me hope that there is a traditional asian family that will at least tolerate my existence in their family.
Everyone's situation is different. Without knowing details, I can only give out something "obvious". In general, to get on their good side, you got to convince them that you bring more good than bad (this is relative to your boyfriend's family. Not necessarily absolutely bad). Since you (the same for anyone) cannot show them the results, you can only show them your approach and manner. If you can act responsibly and predictably, they will be more convinced. Just be honest and truthful. The last thing you should do is to lie. The cost is just too high. Any relationship is built on the trust. If the trust's gone, the relationship will follow the direction. You can keep your privacy and not to volunteer certain information. But to lie to keep a relationship is not a smart choice. Anyway, it is nice of you to try to gain the support from your boyfriend's parents. It is a good and right thing to do. BTW, if you and your boyfriend believe the relationship is right for you, you do not need the parents approval. But you should be ready for the consequence that without parents approval, the relationship could add an additional challenge. So there are hopes. Cheers!
finally told my parents about my boyfriend, im 17 hes 18, we've been together for almost 6, totally perfect months..indian caste issues involved
now i either have the choice to marry him when im 18, and do whatever after that
or break up with him, carry on doing my a levels, do a degree and then get married to someone appropriate
his mum and dad are okay with me, but not with the marriage thing
i dont want to break up with him at all, and i dont know what to do
My parents are sooo tensed up every day. My mom especially can stand it if i dont do things "her" way when said "ok ill let you do it 'your' way this time and let's see how it works." i mean wtf, if she's gonna let me do it my way to see if it works then at least let do things the fuck i want. after just 1 day of doing it "my" way, she already decides that it doesnt work which is not true since one trial isnt gonna do much and u gotta do it repeatedly multiple times to see if the true outcome(just something i learned in AP Stats class).
at least she's given you a chance, i cant even have a chance to prove myself
Well i dont think my parents are as strict as some of the posts i read here. I am an indian guy and 21 yrs old. Well they really dont care if i am dating or not but subliminally try to discourage me. Career wise very independent choice of engineering. yes the social awkwardness is very prevalent in my family, no one talks about sex. They change the topic if any conversation remotely comes close to it. At the same time they are supportive and encouraging for most part and above all love both me and my brother.
What i do realize from this post is that while ppl here are heavily biased against their parents. I have seen some real high octane drama amongst my relatives, in one case my aunt disowning her daughter and another aunt not allowing her daughter to date anyone. I wouldnt say that asian parents can be generalized as domineering and lot depends from individual to individual. What i do implore is that since all of u are asians, it would be nice to remember this discontent when u guys become parents.
^Again as I said in another post it's really on the individual on their outlook not really on their race/sex etc. Very much agreed here.
Speaking of that, I had a Indian classmate who had a family and was surrounded by relatives similar to your relatives. Just like what your aunt did to her daughter, my classmate had a cousin who was kicked out of the family because she was engaged to someone out of the caste she was in. She was in a extremely strict and overbearing household and had to be superior than the rest. I felt sooo bad for her and she used mention how it gave her depression. Anyway she moved far out to college, got a degree in journalism and is very happy with her life. She does not make contact with her parents or family anymore unless she's helping her parents with financial issues. It's a long story but she had a lot of hatred, disgust and is happy to break free of it. So sad what happened to her.
Hello everyone, am Paul I need to share the good story of my life with everyone in this forum, that's why am posting this little message. Me and my wife, we have been a barren since the time when we got married, I have tried all my possible best to get my wife pregnant after when we got married, We consulted so many doctors, and she did so many tests, but all the result says her Womb is very flexible and she may not be able to pregnant due to the flexibility of her womb. But not until when I traveled to New York City for my vacation when I met a spell caster who specialized in any kind of spell that help me out and change our status from a barren to a father and mother. After when I met this spell caster online, I told him all my problems and he promise to help me out. He coasted a spell for me which my wife used for just 1 week, though am not the type who always believe in a spell before, but due to the shame and sorrow am facing, I had to submit myself to him. But believe me, the man really confused me with his power, presently I believe in spell because the spell he coasted for my me really worked. My wife got pregnant after when we apply the spell as we were directed by the man ..the pregnancy has resulted to a baby girl some days ago. Incas if there is any woman who have a similar problem with my wife, you can just try to contact the man, and am very sure he will surely help you out. Just try to give the man a trial and I promise you will surely be happy at last just like the way me and my wife is happy now. You can reach the man through his email firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks for reading...
Hi, i need some help my name is Nathan im 15 years old and i just wanted to ask a question about my Korean parents. As any other Korean person out there i bet most of us know that your parents are pretty strict but what really bugs me is going up to my parents and asking them about a person i like or someone im dating. I am currently going out with a girl shes also Korean and goes to the same church as me. When i told my parents about this they were shocked. They told me that they feel uncomfortable going to the church now cause im dating her, when even her parents don't really care!!!!! I just wished my parents understood how i felt about this relationship but my question is why don't Korean or most Asian parents let their child date at the age of 15 im pretty mature and barely piss my parents off its just unfair to me... If you have any answers contact me. My e-mail is email@example.com
GUESS WHAT? I'm NEVER allowed to date! "insert sarcastic smile here" I'm an Asian girl with 2 Asian parents and 1 little baby brother. It pisses me off because my parents (mom mostly) pressured me to get a perfect on the SATs that i'm taking this year and guess what? I'm in 8th grade! :/ Seriously... Then they brag about how smart I am to other people and told them I could probably go to college at 10 yrs old and still get straight A's... Yeah they suck. My parents force me to practice 3 hours of violin a day, threaten to cancel my violin lessons (is it just me or is there no logic here?), and yell at me all the time. When they make me cry, they yell at me even more for " faking " or just ignore me and call a friend and laugh for an hour.
When I'm sick, my dad yelled at me for "faking".
my parents use guilt trips and blackmailing and says I'm a horrible kid. My mom says that I can just go and leave the house and she wouldn't care over a correction of logic on dishes. She is hypocritical and says "YOU ATTACK PEOPLE, NOBODY LIKES YOU, NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU, BLAH BLAH stupid shit.." I do my best to get good grades, take honors classes, put up with zombie teachers and noob teachers, and never, EVER, yelled at my parents once! My dad gets angry a lot and throws stuff. They both pressure me to, again, get a perfect score on the SATs, get into yale medical school or U Penn business school. I am then supposed to get married... (Again, seeing how I'm never allowed to date, that defies a lot of logic there.) My mom says she " got 100% on EVERYTHING in school"... yea right, they teach english in china, and she SUCKS at it... Less than my dad, though, I can't even understand him 50% of the time when he's speaking english.
When you say "thoughtful," you actually mean "filial"
Your parents are fucked up poor ignorant immigrants. They got kicked out of their homeland and landed on this buddha forsaken land. They are being pissed on everyday at work. FOBs like your parents often lie about their achievment and live a life of psychotic frustration. The only outlet they have is to vent their frustration on their children.
I agree with them on one thing however, not to date too early. When you date early, all you get are pimple faced dirty fuck partners, who will dump you for another pimple face within months, or you will dump them. The results are a temporary release of your hormonal urge, but you may get a life time of bad experience, STD, or become the frustrated adults like your parents.
Tell your parents perfect SAT means shits in this waste land. Remember, when you vent like your parents, you become your parents.
I wish I could just tell my parents
"It's NOT as easy as you think to be a fucking doctor!"
Hell no I want to be a doctor, I want to become an artist. Then marry a nice girl, and NOT narrow my options down to a Vietnamese one.
There are so many things I wanted to point out, but thanks to everyone who already wrote all of these comments, I don't need to repeat them. Almost everything on here is true about mine.
Wow, I never knew situations like this actually occurred in real life. They seem to all exist solely in Asian dramas and now I can see where the script writers got their inspiration from: Life.
Well, I'm an Asian kid living in Singapore and I seriously thought my parents were really restrictive but now, I think I'm starting to change my perspective on this. The people here seem to have it so much harder.
Anyway, the main problems I face with my parents are that they keep on insulting me, which seriously hurts a lot when you arrive home after a draining day at school and the first thing you hear is "idiot", "useless" and other vulgar stuff which I shall not specify. I don't really care much about dating, partying and stuff and all I ask for is just computer time. Yes, I'm a geek and a nerd; I spend most of my time indoors and obviously do not have much of a social life. So I'm in a girl's school and I'm a stay-in kind. I really do not get how my mom kinda thinks I'm a whore, going around and hooking up with guys when all I do is do nerdy stuff and stay at home. If I come home a little late, she'll think I was out seducing people, when all I did was eat some snacks with my friends =.= And when I explain this to her, she'll think I'm a lesbian. Same with messaging on the phone, if its a guy, I'm a slut. If its a girl and I message her too much, I'm lesbian. Yay. So what do you want me to do? Not talk at all? And when I actually stay at home with my computer, they say I'm doing weird shit on the net and not studying when I actually am. And when I'm studying in the night, they tell me to go sleep. When I want to sleep in the afternoon, they tell me to go study. No matter what I do, something is just wrong and I'm just a "useless slut that's a bloody idiot" or whatever.
Ah. Heck it.
My parents are the same but I'm half Asian and half African-American. I will never forget the day I brought back home a C.