The Rise and Fall of TPNET -- a parable for our times

Once upon a time, toilet paper was distributed in rolls of several hundred sheets, each sheet about the size of an adult's hand. The production and distribution of these rolls around the world spawned an entire industry, but still there was the occasional disaster -- at the crucial moment, the dispenser was empty.

It was quickly realized that the weakest link in the system, the step that relied most on human labor, responsibility, and timeliness, was "the last 100 feet". While keeping an adequate supply of toilet paper in the building is a nearly automatable task, distributing the rolls, one or two at a time, to individual stalls was error prone.

Thus was born the notion of a centralized toilet paper distribution network, known as TPNET.

BETA

The first system, popularly known as BETA, was basically an extension of the per-stall system extended throughout a building. A central spooling facility, with one master spool per outlet/toilet, was connected to each stall. The most ingenious aspects of BETA were (1) the method of finishing one roll and switching to the next -- the so-called "Mobius Roll", and (2) the complicated system of springs, sensors, and boosters set up to maintain a constant, yet delicate, tension on the paper.

Despite its ingenuity, BETA had a few insurmountable problems. Due to its inherent complexity, the system was prone to mechanical breakdowns, sometimes with disastrous, or humorous, depending on your point of view, results.

TPHS -- the next generation

TPHS, standing for TP Home System and pronounced "toughs", was put forth as an alternative to BETA. In a radical departure from the status quo, the TPHS did not try to maintain a dedicated, unbroken stream of sheets from the server to the stall. Instead, the sheets were delivered individually through the network. Initially, most people were reticent about individual sheets, having spent their entire lives using connected rolls, but techniques and attitudes gradually shifted, and people adapted. In fact, even in the early implementations of TPHS, sheets were delivered to the client station in "packets" of a hundred or so sheets. When the client station started running low, a request was sent out for a refill. This client-server setup allowed both the client-side and server-side technologies to advance separately. For larger buildings, a sophisticated system of caches was used, with local servers on each floor. On the client side, a number of high-end technologies evolved, catering to those with specialized needs and excess income. Various sheet softener and sheet warmer technologies were perfected.

What was once euphemistically referred to as getting "the brown stuff on the white stuff" had matured into a technological marvel.

The Commercialization of TPNET

A few entrepreneurial individuals had the idea that a building-wide network could be put to more uses than merely sending plain old toilet paper (POTP) from a central repository to users. Seeking to capitalize on the growing popularity of TPNET, and noting that TPNET users were, for short periods anyway, a captive audience, a number of "content provider" services sprang up. The most successful of these was a joint venture between Scott Paper products and the New York Times, with the catchy slogan "read 'em and wipe." Users could choose to receive news specialized to their locale or other interests. Other TPNET startups offered free TP supplies in exchange for putting advertisements on the sheets. After some initial, and understandable, hesitation on the part of the advertisers, the idea quickly caught on.

Beneath the rosy visage of the burgeoning TPNET-based economy, however, there were signs of unrest. Some unscrupulous TP suppliers were found to have been selling customer data to telemarketing companies. The idea that complete strangers may know intimate details such as how much and what kind of toilet paper a family consumes raised red flags all over security obsessed middle America. There were reports that robberies had occurred when data-savvy criminals were able to predict vacations based on historical TP usage data.

A growing number of Luddite groups advocated a return to the simpler, more private system of individual rolls bought along with other groceries. Some went so far as to "roll their own" from local TP cooperatives. As the backlash against the crass overcommercialization of the TP industry grew, stock prices for TPNET-based businesses plummeted.

There is still a vocal, almost evangelical, cult of BETA adherants. Some BETA true believers continue to tinker with and improve the system.

Greg Sullivan gregs@ai.mit.edu
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