August 1, 2003

Going into that nonfocused jittery bumpy phase where I just want to rip my skin off and crawl away screaming. Fuck mania. Gotta get out of here.

Ordered a new handbaggy thing to feed my little-bag-fetish and found out that it had been discontinued right about the same time. Sent back for my second color choice, the only color they still had a few of in stock actually, and am hoping it shows up eventually or I will be very sad. Ethan's all-cotton diapers arrived yesterday afternoon and should be laundered and dry in time for him to start wearing them tonight.

Ethan's undergoing another language explosion. Overnight he figured out context and sentences and abstracts. He came up this morning and said "Muck," which either means "milk bottle, please" or "time for that sludgy rice-based muck in a bottle you feed me". So I went to the kitchen and opened the fridge and said Oh no, there's no more muck! and closed the fridge again. He started to cry. He leaned heartbroken on the babygate asking "Where'd it go? Where'd it go?" He answers questions now, too, albeit almost always in the negative... I think that's pretty standard for a toddler.

Damnfucking weight plateau. It's been three days now and I can't break 111. Duh, that's because I cram calories into me at every opportunity... sheesh. Had a shitload of vitagummies and a cup of chicken broth yesterday, had the rest of the vitagummies today, and am going to remain FAT as long as I keep up like this. I did walk about three miles yesterday pushing Ethan in his heavy stroller, though, trying to compensate for all that stewbroth and slimfast. Going to haul the kiddo out again today to wander for a few hours and keep my mind off of food.

Although I really, really want to start stashing food again. Even though anything I could stash would be a huge binge-temptation and would probably pop my belly if I binged on it. Caution: genius at work.

I think Shi's finally feeling better. Do fish get depressed? He seemed very sad and listless after my girlbetta died; he'd been hovering and watching her during those last few hours, and then the convulsions right before she croaked. And he's been hanging out sadly on the bottom of his tank, no bubblenest, refusing his food since then. Couple days ago he finally perked up again and ate some crumbs and blew a little token bubblenest again. How heartbreaking... a fish in mourning for a girlfish he barely even knew.

Ethan has a hell of an imagination for a very short person. He makes his cars 'talk' to each other in different voices, carrying on conversations as they drive around. He built a super abstract (as in, big lump o'blocks) traincar out of legos yesterday and started pushing it around going "Traincar! Ch ch woo woo!" He also ate a whole handful of dried cranberries and screamed a lot, but he screams a lot regardless.

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