February 16, 2000

I may or may not have mentioned that I have a new co-worker.

About a week after I started to complain less subtly and more loudly about how much I hated the amount of PageMaker crap I had to do and how it was making me hate my job, my boss hired a new girl who's supposedly an expert at PageMaker. I'm not sure the two things are related. We needed to hire somebody new anyway. But still, I feel a little more appreciated because of this.

Anyway, she's new so she isn't familiar with all of our vastly complex procedures and documents, and she's not handy with Word, which is sort of a problem, so she's been asking a LOT of questions. Which I have patiently been answering, because I remember what it was like to be new and not know how any of this stuff worked, but it's still starting to get on my nerves a little.

She also has this habit of talking to herself. I don't know if this is something she normally does. Maybe it's just her way of alerting us that she's having a problem, without having to actually ask us for help. Whichever it is, I wish she'd stop. From her side of the room, I hear this near-constant litany of:

"OK... hmm. Hmm. OK. Yeah, right there. OK. Yeah. Hmmm. Uh-oh! No! No! Where'd it go?!? Where'd it go?!? OK, there it is... oh, OK. I got it. Yeah. Uh-oh."

I've tried all the tricks for dealing with someone who talks to herself. I tried ignoring it, thinking that if I didn't respond to her cries for help, she'd throw in the towel and actually come over and ask me in a normal human fashion. Nope.

Then I tried responding every time she talked to herself. This had mixed success. About half the time she'd shrug and say it was nothing, and the other half of the time she'd ask me her question. Either way, it was time out of my day, and annoying to boot. I hope that once she's more familiar with the way things work in our office, she'll cut it out.

In the meantime, I have my groovy headphones, with which I can filter out her talking to herself and my other officemate's loud gum-chewing. Thank God for the Sony Corporation.

The Library Police are coming for me. I am possibly the worst person in the world when it comes to returning library books. The library in my hometown should have named a wing after me, that's how much money I paid them in overdue fines over the years. Seriously, I just have this pathological desire to hang on to all library books, no matter what.

I have these three books right now that I checked out I think three months ago. First, the library tried calling me with their automated system to get me to return them.

The automated system sucks. I'd come home and hit the "Play" button on the answering machine, and I'd hear, in a robotic voice:

"Thiz iz a mezzazh from thee Zeattle Pub-lick Library Zyztem for Zhan Bicklehoff."

That's as far as the message got, because after that you had to hit "1" to continue, and my answering machine isn't that advanced. Once or twice the machine got me at home, and I hit "1" to continue, and then it wanted my PIN. I didn't know I even had a library PIN. I typed in my ATM PIN and it told me that was wrong, so I hung up.

I had maybe two or three messages a week for "Zhan Bicklehoff" for maybe a month. Then they mysteriously stopped.

Then the letters started. I'd get about a letter a week, in successively rude terms, asking me when the hell I was bringing the books back.

Two days ago was the final straw. I got a notice from the library informing me that if I don't pay up within 10 days, they're referring me to a collection agency. Well, this is a fine kettle of fish. I checked my library record online and the books aren't even listed as checked out anymore, they're listed as "LOST", and there's like a hundred bucks charged to my account.

Clearly, this is unacceptable. I'm taking the books back tomorrow to see what happens. They'd better not make me pay for them even though I'm taking them back.

Why didn't I just take them back on time in the first place? Uh, I don't know. Like I said, it's pathological. I think I have books sitting on my shelves from every library I've ever frequented, including Northwestern's. NU says they won't send out my official transcript until I pay the library its blood money. I tell them that I'll consider it, if I ever get my W-2 from them.

In this game of chicken, I am not going to be the first to blink.

THE FORUM: What do you do to break the law? (It counts even if it's minor. Even if it's just that you tear the tags off your mattresses. Confess.)

Back       Next       Journal Home