The man at the Toyota dealer explains how the Sequoia's revolutionary new fuel intake system caresses the fuel gently thus preparing it for injection. We listen, faces pressed upon tinted, family windows. He explains. We believe. He explains more. We want to believe. The Sequoia. Not unlike its mighty namesake, with its all-American roots, federally protected status and coniferous mating schema.

'I think the redwood is taller—but we'll take it.'

The amazing new Chevy Tahoe, with standard on-the-fly tire to waterski conversion, is great for those with big families who need to drive across a lake. And everyone knows when you have to cross the Yukon, you've got to use dogs. But if dogs are out or all booked up, the next best thing's a GMC truck. The Yukon, with enough trunk space for six prostitutes and two full kegs of premium winter ale: at least you'll have something to do, stranded, ninety miles to Juneau, two months to midnight. Did you know Eskimo hookers have fifty different ways of saying, 'Cash first, qitunbauraq (baby)'?

But enough about what's out on the road, or at least flipped over beside it like a two dollar turtle. We just got back from the Cannes Car Festival in Detroit, and here it is:

Car lovers everywhere can look forward to the new Ford Backstabber, which will replace the now classic Ford Exploder. This remarkable new vehicle can get you out of any traffic jam with its special deny feature. It simply denies any involvement with the cars around it, and you're home free. Or so it would seem. The new Volvo S70 has its own built-in safety feature. At the first hint of trouble, it can instantly merge with the nearest vehicle. Instead of a wreck, you'll get a new car, which looks like a bubble, but has much better distribution and only slightly inferior parts.1 Then there's the Lexus Trianon, which allows your idle spouse (pl. spice) to play SUV in style. From the outside, it looks like any other sport utility vehicle, but one peek inside reveals the same small interior as a regular car. The Trianon is sure to please with all leather seats, leather windows and a trunk that even comes with its own live-in illegal maidservant. Same as cash.

This year's Grand Jury Prize for most likely not to be spat at by a European went to the new Plymoth Crisis. The car saves you beaucoup on gas by convincing you not to go in the first place and offering some acceptable alternatives. If that doesn't work, the car goes on strike until eventually you understand. Speaking of renewable, check out the new new Volkswagon Beetle. As well as making you young, hip and sexy, it promises to improve your karma 'substantially'. In fact, you may just turn into that dolphin today. The new new Beatle will only be available in polkadot and chiffaun. Meanwhile, the Volkswagon Jetta will remain unchanged, but will be sold under various personalized names. Depending on your age and demographic, you could get a Loretta, Henrietta, Baretta, Sveta or Feta.

What the hell is a corolla? Does anyone care? The Dodge Car Company doesn't. They're too busy rolling out their answer to a recent surge in childhood playground nostalgia. The Dodge Ball is just that, a giant sphere that hurls down the street. Many are pre-raving about the Ball's surprisingly good handling, while some have raised concerns over the high number of crush deaths in test marketing. Dodge says, 'We are trying our best to cover the whole thing up because people can relate to that.' 'People keep trying to catch them,' cites one observer who we will simply refer to as deep throttle. Consumer safety groups want a recall, but a spokesman for Dodge says, 'No way, we already called no-backs.'

Apple Computer will debut the first ever iCar. Apple says it will be so easy even your grandmother could drive it. With just one gear, one speed and a number of preset destinations, she can't go wrong. Wait, there's more. Every so often, the iCar completely disappears. Where'd it go? And just when you no longer care, it's back in a voluptous new size, shape, and color, ash. Hey, that is cool. Also cool is the new Saturn Comfort, which comes with an on-board computer that serves not only as a navigator, but also a friend, confidant and fully-licensed psychotherapist. It can listen, diagnose and even call in prescriptions for Prozac, which it will then pick up for you at a regional Saturn pharmacy.

      Responding to the popularity of the sentimental PT cruiser, the Tokyo white collars at Toyota are looking to invade U.S. markets with their own blast from the past. They're changing the 4Runner back to its original 'truck with box on it' look. The Predecessor will be available immediately, just as soon as they can get a Japanese translation of this week's classifieds. General Motors also hopes to capitalize on pro-American sentiment with its new John McCain Cruiser. With it you're guaranteed unlimited attention whenever you want it for as long as you want. And no more worrying about which way to go, since you'll have absolutely no control over the car whatsoever. You just climb in, and it goes wherever it damn well wants. The only drawback is that sometimes it refuses to leave a parking garage unless all the other cars can leave too.

      It's a car. It's a truck. It's both. That's right. You can have your cake and give it away too with the new Pontiac Jeffords. During the week, it's a gas guzzling V8 sport utility truck that'll get your stumps lifted, pork pulled and chicken jerked. But come the weekend, it switches to a fuel efficient econo-car that runs on soy milk and Trent Lott's composted future. And under pressure from the OAFS-D (opposed to anything foreign society-D), Mercury will change the Sable from the French to its english meaning, Sand. And for lack of an english equivalent, the Grand Marquis and Mystique will simply be junked.

      Mercedes will be coming out with a new model of its SLK, which we be called the SLK and will perform exactly as the previous model, but cost about twice as many Deutchmarks. BMW will counter by doubling the price of their M5, while ensuring there are no improvements to either the drive train or chassis. Mercedes will then merge with a family of giant chickens and call itself Mercedes-Hens—to which BMW will respond by changing its name to WWW and immediately going belly up. It will then get drunk on Piesporter, challenge Mercedes to a duel and end up missing wildly. Aaron Burr will be shot in the foot. I can't think of anything to say about Lincoln, Jefferson or John Quincy Adams.

1In Haiku:

     looks like a bubble
     with better distribution
     inferior parts

Related News: 7/4/01 NHTSA probes Jeep for defect (Yahoo)

Okay, you're right. This article, like all my articles, is nothing more than an excuse to air a cool picture taken by someone else. And what if it is? The Onion has its headlines. I have my pictures. Détente. Diletante. Mutual assured convection.

Also see my piece entitled Excuse for a Walker Evans Picture