Exercises in Futility

Serious Debugging...

I don't know what it is about our neighborhood...perhaps it's the abnormally high slack-jawed yokel quotient...but there just seems to be no end to the number of yucky, big-ass, creepy, MUTANT bugs around here.

The past few years it's been this weird hybrid between a spider and a cricket. This ungodly 8-legged critter as big as my thumb that LEAPS like a friggin flea or something. Hard as hell to catch, and I don't care HOW brave you think you are, if you find one of those staring you in the face when you step into a shower, you will be making use of those bathroom acoustics to great effect.

Those we've grown used to, however. We can deal with them. They still surprise us every now and again (hell, I fully expected to see one of them sitting on the toilet reading the paper at some point), but our recovery time has come way down.

So naturally it's time for a new menace.

I was walking into the kitchen last night to get some water and my brother comes to the doorway and starts talking with me. And then we both stop at the same time because we've both just noticed this 3-inch...THING...on the kitchen counter trying to hide behind an empty bottle (you know in cartoons how they will sometimes try to sneak somewhere by hiding in a bush and bringing the bush with them? I got the distinct impression that's what this thing was trying to do at the time...).

"Mike?"
"Yah?"
"What the hell is that thing?"
"Got me, but you're closer to the fly-swatter."

Let me tell you, that sucker was FAST! You ever seen a picture of a trilobyte? Well put it on Atkins until it's the same width all down its length, but keep the legs. Oh the legs! How does it know how to work so many at once?! It skittered across the countertop and behind the toaster oven. My brother completely missed the little bugger and smashed what was left of a loaf of bread.

"Mark SMASH!"
"Where'd it go? Dammit, where'd it go?"
"Mark SMASH!"
"Shut up and find it, will you? My water's getting warm."

We got the flashlight and looked beside the toaster oven, where it was cheerfully flipping us off with half of it's feet while getting ready to bolt with the other half. My brother brought the fly swatter down beside the toaster oven and it ran up the wall next to it. If it had a tongue, I'm sure it was sticking it out at us.

To make an even longer story short, we eventually smashed the bugger (pun intended), but along the way we used, in no particular order, a bundle of newspapers rolled up, the end of the flashlight, a sponge-mop (both the handle and the sponge part), the smashed bread, another flyswatter, and sarcasm...

"Oh, that'll work, genius."
"Look, shut up and push the bread that way, or did you want to wear my water?"
"Oh, yah, 'cuz because this is exactly how I wanted to spend my evening..."

It was even more fun trying to explain what the fuck all the noise was about to the parents.

And then it just got damned HILARIOUS when my brother found another critter of the same exact type by his bedstand in his room. He didn't catch that one.

Whee! Who's ready for a sleepover?!

Posted by Mike at July 23, 2003 09:12 PM | TrackBack