Just stretchin' me legs...

A story of three halves by some bloke

So dere I was, standin’ inna middle of der Smurfian rhomboid wiv at least er, 10 uvver people from me crib and der local hood. I had bin dere not more then ooh, 3 beers when some dopey muppet sez dere’s a chief boss knockin’ about slappin’ people around, so I goes into der bar and finds der chief cable repair feller imself tellin’ a quick story and layin’ out der suss fer da next day or two! I int seen im fer like, yeeeearsss so I watched and waited fer im to fraap some poor begger… and about alf a beer later, dis lickle star steps up and obliges Lord Groin-pain by goin’ “I’m der nobby wot lost der important fing” (I’m finkin’ “nooooo, run lickle feller, ruuuuunnnn!!” but he just stood dere like a rabbit inna glare of a light spell…)

FRAAP!!!

Poor lickle blighter… anyways, I takes his smokin’ boots back ter miss Whiperamas’ place an’ she said she’d look after im – I fink she ‘as turned ta pimpin’ fer spare cash or summat - then she give me ‘er luv token so she’d always be near me. Bless, she still carnt get me out of her mind after all dese years…
After some more beer I met lots of old mates an’ lots of unimportant bods wot were just dere to get chopped whilst me an’ der uvver useful types did der secret mission ter save Orange Macarthur. Oh, yeah, dere were some tossers dere too.
Before I finished off me stash me Uncle turned up and paid us fer a bit of S & M, then he got miss Whiperama and mr Laid - (he’s always lookin’ smug so he must be getting’ lots) – to do sumthin’ naughty wiv a big hairy pussy whilst we went back to der bar.

Some uvver stuff happened but I dint give a trolls-doings cos it weren’t to do wiv me.

Next mornin’ I got up and fed me face.

Later on some people were comin’ an’ going but I ignored dem cos dey were puffs an’ said I had ter go on a quick thievin’ mish with High thief Silvertongue.
(He is called dat cos he convinces suckers to go an’ get killed somewhere on a certain deff mish well away from der bar) Anyhows, I let der rest of der crib go back an’ practice dere floorplay – in case we met more pussies – an’ it were just me an’ Tina saddlesore wot represented der boys fer der rest of der day. We went wiv Silvertongue to sum Necrophiliac hangout ter pick up a fruit knife dat got lost after sum previous pub crawl went into der wrong hood. On der way to der corpse-fiddlers clubhouse we met up wiv some dodgy type from der nearby hood wot told us ter stick all is new mates so he could get back to chasin’ boys cos dey were crampin’ is style. We did is chaperones an’ I decked a pizza delivery boy’ fore I finished off is skanky mate.

Bludders den give us a laff by blowin’ is own arm off by stickin’ is dirty tree-lickin’ ‘and in der wrong pocket! Har! I nearly wet meself it were so funny! Well after dat fings could only get better!

Silvertongue went lookin’ fer some ‘dead’ hot action so I was busy fer a bit, den we reached der corpse-fiddlers clubhouse and suspiciously-high fence-sitter Lard took ages getting’ der right i.d card out an’ getting’ us in. Inside of der place were a necrophiliacs wet dream wiv der main attraction bein’ an un-missable centre-piece of ‘downstairs’-hair. Silvertongue told ‘ima story which got im all loose an’ talkative fer a bit, den someone suggested removin’ der voyeurs and it got a bit messy. I sat meself down wiv bludders/lefty an’ saddle-sore an’ we watched der slap an’ tickle get a bit over-enthusiastic…
Rankballs won’t be lissnin ter Silvertongue fer a while I don’t fink (I got proved right anyways, people always gets it when Silvertongue suggests a quick mish somewhere quiet…) Silvertongue managed to coax der idea of breakin’ up some ménage-au-trois out of der centre-piece an’ den we went back to der bar courtesy of some ginger bints big guff.

Lots of uvver stuff ‘appened to uvver people while we was feedin’ Silvertongues power trip. Lots of dese people kept tryin’ ter tell me all der wonderful and pointless fings dey ‘ad done durin’ der day. I went to der bar and left ‘em all talkin’ cow-poop to each uvver. I fed me face some more an’ me old mucker purple people eater tried getting’ me to join ‘is club but I kept wanderin’ off until he got der message…
Uvver important people alledgedly turned up over der next few hours, but I dint see no-one from der crib ‘cept me local pizza-delivery manager so I finks dey just sed dat to impress me. I did make sum new mates from der local hood – a fur-clad dancer, a hot bitch called Deeds an’ sum small kiddy called Come-on-get-caned, who laffed at all me jokes cos he knew wot was good for ‘im. I got a bit depressed when Deeds was so sober she wouldn’t pass out an’ let me do der biznis wiv ‘er, but I got over it when some gatecrashers turned up an’ ran round likes plonkers until we topped ‘em all! It were great!

Uvver apparently important stuff was goin’ on, but not near my end of der bar so I stayed near der door to entice gatecrashers to come and ‘ave a go. Dis sorta worked, as after some really unimportant people dint lissen to Rough Candy dey screwed up dere readin’ groups task an’ let der long-lost chief Smurf back onto Orange Macarthur – boy were he pissed! To cut a long sloppy rumble short, I did is mates and loadsa uvver people showed im der front door. He sulked off leavin’ Turd all over der place an’ mr Nebulous, teacher at der school for nebulous people, in a bit of a state.
After dat I had some more beer and told der dancer an’ dat caned feller about dis weirdo family wiv faaaar too many relatives. Dis was funny, you should all go and ask ‘em about it so you can share in me great sensayuma.

I went ter bed cos der bar had run dry an’ apparently I missed important people like Larry Hallway comin’ in fer a swift half. Like I gave a trolls-doings. Next mornin’ an Un-thanked Where’d-it-go turned up wiv is manky mates and let us practice our fightin’ tactics on ‘em. Den he fanked us fer clearin’ out der trash and took a walk whilst Silvertongue looked around fer ‘is address book.
I got bored and went home, where some lads from der hood had clubbed together and got me some cash fer makin’ der weekend so intrestin’ for ‘em. Must do it again sometime!

Oh yeah, some of Silvertongues’ less sneaky mates kidnapped bludders, ants-in-his-pants and der fence-sitter fer a good frashin’ at der “girls-against-corpse-fiddling’s” beach resort. Carnt wait fer der postcard!

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