Things You Can't Buy on eBay

Things You Can't Buy on Ebay
an exploration of online consumerism by Bryan C. Nawrocki the 1st

People will tell you that Ebay has everything. You just log on to www.ebay.com and you can find any little thing your heart desires. Well I sincerely doubted this, so I logged on and made searches for some rather exotic items. Here is what the ever helpful Ebay search told me after I made these searches.

What Ebay said after I cranked certain items into its search engine.

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for human body parts.

Now I just asked for what is hopefully an everyday item. I can't go a single day without seeing other people's body parts (and I know what you're thinking, stop being a pervert), and so help me Bob, I don't think other people can either. However, Ebay does not have such items. I am beginning to lose faith, but I have time to kill. Let's get back to work.

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for fetish films.
(Kevin Burns would be disappointed.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for children sex slaves.
(I'll have to ask Kathie Lee Gifford where she got hers.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for human souls.
(Just curious.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for pictures of Barbara Streissand mooning the White House.
(Psh. I have three in my living room.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for pituitary glands.
(Damn! And I just lost mine...)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for penis statues.
(No penis statues? Haven't these people seen "A Clockwork Orange"!?!?)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for Michael Noble's pancreas.
(Eh, at least I tried.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for Michael Noble's left testicle.
(I figured "If at first you don't succeed...")

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for Michael Noble's uterus.
(Ok, so the third time isn't always the charm.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for mail order asian brides.
(Looks like the United States Postal Service has a monopoly.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for beef tainted with E. coli.
(I'll just go to Burger King later.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for kiddy pornography.
(Ian Tolle has a good selection anyway.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for inflatable women.
(I was disappointed. I actually thought they'd have this one.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for videotapes of President Bush molesting a squirrel.
(Reserve your copy today!)

19 items found for Jimmy Hoffa. Showing items 1 to 19.
(Now why is it that the FBI can't find Mr. Hoffa but Ebay can? Smash the conspiracy!!!)
Afternote: Ebay does not actually sell Jimmy Hoffa. All 19 items were books and videotapes about Jimmy Hoffa. Honest. I checked them all out myself. In fact, I bought a couple. I'm starting a fan club.

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for Bryan Nawrocki's favorite pair of boxer shorts.
(Well where the hell are they? I'll pay anything!)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for 400 dollars.
(We'll start the bidding at 401...)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for slinky lingerie.
(Hey, I'm allowed to have my own personal agenda. They'd make a fine addition to my wardrobe.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for the original cast of "Loveboat".
(Son of a bitch! Maybe K-Mart has them in stock.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for a pimp costume.
(So much for Halloween next year.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for non-cancerous testicles.
(Sorry, Moli. I looked.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for "urine blast" gatorade.
(I'll have to pick up a patent application later.)

Sorry, we couldn't find any items for Dave Black's masculinity.
(Dang, where'd it go? Sorry, Dave. I'll keep looking!)

My final analysis: Ebay sucks ass. Look at all this crap I can't buy!!! This is America, home of the consumer, and I can't get a damned pimp costume or slinky lingerie online. Oh well. Shit happens. Maybe next time I'll ask Jeeves.

Disclaimer: Ebay does not suck ass. In reality, it is an evil little crap ball that consumes the souls of the innocent and draws the sick and twisted to it like a moth to flame. In fact, Amy Freeman seems to have an obsession with the web site. Coincidence? I think not!