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03/16/2002: "Wrote one"

I wrote a big entry yesterday and Verio hiccuped and then it lost it's relevancy.

Today's topic is inspection of your body.
Now bear with me. As a kid, you knew every scratch, every bit and piece. As I get older, I find that body inspection is sort of weird. Things change on your body. I used to think it was all static. Like I have done the initial evaluation - Done. It gets bigger and smaller as a general rule but the parts are all the same. Not so.

I have noticed that as I get older, my body is getting older with me. SHOCKING - I know. But in weird ways. Skin tabs, blood blisters, lumps and wear and tear all appear in a odd ways that I just never expected. Now I'm not talking about big things, but as days go by I notice things that were not there just a few years ago (which is about the cycle I go through of evaluating my body). I just am not a big proponent of prancing about in front of a mirror naked and cataloging. Perhaps the most I do is sort of a overall 10,000 foot touch-oriented physical perusal in the mornings and nights. Very quickly and without much note. However, more recently, I have gotten it into my mind that actually knowing what my body looks like and feels like might be a good overall health, spiritual and self-esteem goal. I'm not sure it's working out like I percieved. Mainly I freak myself out. Recently, I had a large conniption about of all things, a vein that I thought was lump. But until I got a mirror out and actually evaluated what the "lump" was, I had no idea that it was just a vein that had strained a bit via exercise.

My point is that, part of being a healthy wo(man) is self-evaluation is supposed to be de rigueur but who knew that as you get older the pieces and parts move on you and that you were supposed to know this. On top of this that it would be harder and harder to see all the parts and pieces. It's like self examination twister with a hand held mirror. Right hand on left hip, left leg on dresser, mirror in left hand, bright light from underneath or behind. It's like an anatomy lesson every time. I actually had this mental conversation with myself:

me: What's that. OH MY GAWD. IS that a cyst? What is that...wait where'd it go. Ok ok. Got it. Now what is that? We need more light.

body: Assume the zen buddha leg up and over position, while focusing light and mirror in hand.

me (panic): oh GAWD, it's a cyst. I knew it. It's a growth what the hell. Oh man....

rational mind: Why don't you touch it and see if it hurts, itches or is painless and we can ignore it till our next doctor's visit.

me: Oh. Good point. Ok body, you do it.

body: ROGER. touching now.

me: Oh. OH. OHHHHH. yessss. We know what that is. NOT a cyst. That's definitely important to many things and feels good. That's the cl*toris.

body: Oh yah. THAT.

rational mind: FOR gawd sakes, how did you mistake a crucial sex gland for a cyst? It's not like it's MOVED or anything.

me: Well the lighting and angle were off. And to be honest well, we haven't used it much. Mebbe it has changed shape. Anyways, honest mistake. Carry on.

rational mind (exasperated tone): Ok, wrapping up. We're done here.

me: Wait a minute is that mole darker? Look at those freckles.

rational mind: I SAID WE ARE WRAPPING UP. *make mental note to call dermatologist*

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I'm telling you my internal dialog has a life of it's own. But I made a decision not to long ago, that perhaps the only reason there is a disconnect between me that I see and the me that everyone else sees is that the only mirror I have been using lately is the eyes of romantic partners (real or crushes) in my life. The reflection of being wanted or not wanted in that way is never a healthy way to see yourself. And to be honest, it doesn't let you see all of you. It's like a one-way warped mirror with bad lighting. You can never get the real picture. And while the real viewing can be frightening in a new way, it's interesting as well.

Who knew?