Organ Grinder:
News for Pervy Little Monkeys

Q: Why would a woman with an active sex life want to view good porn?
A: If you are asking yourself this question, I want you to do the following:
1) make reservations at the best dim sum restaurant in town.
2) Go there and sample every dish on the cart. If at this point you still fail to understand, then
3) On your way out, ask the waiter to kick you in the ass, because you are a moron.

The problem, if I may beat this metaphor to death, is a blatant lack of quality dim sum. It's like your whole industry's been overrun with sweet & sour chicken balls and jive-ass egg foo yung. Hey, we asked for it. Or did we? I never asked for clown porn, dwarf porn, or bukkake, and I don't want to meet the man who did. (For what it's worth, bukkake is to the "facial" what Louis XIV was to interior design: excessive, perverse, and not just a little nauseating.)

I've heard the old "consumer demand" argument, but it doesn't make sense. I'm a demanding consumer. I'm a kinky bi woman. We are the avatars of fashion. Wherever we go, horny men follow in busloads. That's why we get into your nightclubs and classified ads for free. So, where do I have to go to find explicit material that exists free of subjugation (World's Biggest Gang-Bang), intellectual degradation (The Red Shoe Diaries), or downright idiocy (Dildo Cam? Hey there's a vagina! Where'd it go? Hey there it is again! Come ON! There is a good reason you don't have eyeballs on the end of your dick. It's dark in there.)

Let's face it: "Adult Entertainment" is a gross misnomer. There is a stunning lack of maturity in your genre. It seems like the majority of your producers are opting for further depths of debasement rather than attempting to capture the intricacies, the delicacies of sex. Seems to me that's pretty fucking cowardly.

In my social circles, porn consumption is becoming more acceptable. Recently, the Blinding Light and the Fox Theatre presented a double bill of "Deep Throat" and "Behind the Green Door." and you should have seen the crowd of twenty-somethings, lined up to see skin flicks that were probably playing on the night they were conceived. I think it's time to address this market, don't you?

Let me be perfectly clear here: I want explosive intimacy. Not a soft-focus-vaseline-lensed-limp-dicked-Fabio lookin' muthafucka lolling on a beach looking like he can't decide whether to screw me or write a cheesy poem. And don't call it erotica; nobody said it had to be art. I want him in him in her on her on him and I want them all to be beautiful: not because they're buff, but because they're actually getting off. I'm talking teamwork here, people. I want playfulness over rapaciousness. I'm not shy about close-ups, but just once I'd like to see her come all over his face. No, scrap that. I want to see it again and again. And one more time! Huzzah!

While we're on the subject, would you please tell me what is so terrifying about the female orgasm that you steadfastly refuse to show it? I mean, there are two possibilities: Either
A) She's not coming at all, or
B) At the exact moment that she does orgasm, a giant purple man-eating squid flies out of her pussy and slaps a face-hugger on her co-star (thus answering the age-old mystery of why there are so few good-looking males doing straight porn.)

I figure it's got to be the former, because if the latter were true, you'd have put it in one of your circus-freak-horror-porn videos by now.

I support your right to do what you do, but I entreat you to do it with a little more grace. If pornography is truly market driven, then I represent your fastest growing demographic. Recognize me.

Sincerely, Puddles Galore

** A note to readers: I am aware that there are exceptions to the above statements. (Thank God for Nerve.com and On Our Backs), but I grow weary of the search. If you would like to refer me to your favorite quality erotic site/movie/store (all persuasions welcome), please email your suggestions to organgrinder@terminalcity.com. Thank you.