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The Spanish Inquisition
In the early years of the 16th century, to combat the rising tide of religious unorthodoxy, the Pope gave Cardinal Ximinez of Spain leave to move without let or hindrance throughout the land, in a reign of violence, terror and torture that makes a smashing film. This was the Spanish Inquisition... (this transcript is also available with screen shots from the original)
Chapman: Trouble at mill. [The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain [Palin] enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles [Jones] has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang [Gilliam] is just Cardinal Fang] Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. [The Inquisition exits] Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD] [The cardinals burst in]
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as:
fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to
the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! [Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again] Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. [JARRING CHORD] [The cardinals enter]
Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um.... [DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER] Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that! [DIABOLICAL ACTING] Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack! [Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger] Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down. [Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]
Ximinez:Right! How do you plead? [Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]
Biggles: I.... [Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack] [Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde]
Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three
counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy
by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess? [JARRING CHORD] [Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]
Biggles: Here they are, lord. [Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture]
Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess! [JARRING CHORD] [Zoom into Fang's horrified face] Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair? [Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one] Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! [They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair]
Ximinez [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the
Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven.
[aside, to Biggles] Is that really all it is?
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