Hello I'm Alien. You may remember me from the series of movies in which I sprang out of human's stomachs and devoured them. I know that to many out there, I'm a role model, an object of adoration. I've received many letters from parents, thanking me for setting an example that turned their "problem" children's lives around. It is with a heavy heart, therefore, that I confess a guilty secret weighing on my soul, a secret that I know will poison my image forever.|
You see, I'm a vegetarian. I always have been. There! At last, I've said it. You have no idea of the pressures placed on aliens by popular culture. People take one look at our 250-inch teeth, our cascaded set of vicious jaws each inside the other, and just assume we want to eat them. And unfortunately, primitive drives that cause us to instinctively leap on people and engulf them whole only serve to reinforce this misapprehension. But you have to understand, we don't do this because we want to, it is just a reflex- like when someone taps you on the knee. In fact we find the taste of human flesh repulsive, and need to gargle for hours after each accidental ingestion to remove the disgusting aftertaste. Personally, I find you can't beat boiled cabbage, mmmmm, and maybe some parsnip on the side. Oh, and give me a few brussels sprouts and I'm in heaven! Absolutely delightful.