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The vegetable conspiracy, Part I: The Cabbages
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Since the dawn of time, cabbages have been every tyrant's preferred instrument of torture. When we talk of torture, many think of the Spanish Inquisition, but believe me, those racks and thumb-screws were nothing compared with what some people have done with cabbages. Let me give you just a few examples of what I'm talking about:
- Amsterdam, September 15th, 1033: Dutch professor Miles Inderberg was forced to give a lecture on some esoteric mathematical properties of quantum mechanics, with each seat of the lecture hall occupied by a rowdy cabbage fiddling with one of those little electronic devices that makes sounds like machine-gun fire and telephones ringing. Result: Miles quickly broke down and confessed to the charges against him, admitting that he often thought of the notation dy/dx as being a fraction.
- Geneva, May 7th, 1581: Priest and part-time stand up comedian Francis Le Penne was sentenced to five years chained to a chair watching a TV with the monitor taken out and replaced by a cabbage. Result: Francis rather enjoyed the experience, but then he was a rather strange person.
- Everywhere, throughout history: The absolute unthinkable - some people have been forced to actually eat cabbage! Are there no limits to the outrages perpetrated in this world? Result: Just look around you.
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