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Blunt horn - This can be quite distressing. While the owner may be glad the unicorn no longer causes so many fatalities through enthusiastic but lamentably careless nuzzling, the unicorn itself becomes very insecure in this situation. Not generally given to existential crises [luckily enough, considering the fact that unicorns are entirely mythological and do not in fact exist, but shhhh don't tell them that], unicorns appear to be content to think along the lines of "oh, my life is a shallow meaningless affair, I am but a simple plaything of my owner, a diversion, a distraction, I have no purpose, no intrinsic meaning- but damn have I got a mighty fine sharp horn!" and gambol around the field in sheer exhuberance at the wonderfulness of it all. So when their horn is no longer sharp, well, it takes the edge out of life, to put it bluntly. The cure? Err. Sharpen the horn. [If the condition persists, see a doctor. You need help. In fact, see a doctor anyway, irrespective of whether your pet unicorn gets better or not. You really do need help].
Non-existence - This is quite serious. You must immediately :-
- Stand upside down under a tree until you get dizzy and lose track of time. Bear in mind that if you think that you've lost track of time then it's time to go, therefore you know the time, therefore you should stay for a while more.
- Drink lots and lots. It doesn't have to be alcoholic. Or even liquid necessarily. Just unusual. Be creative. Stop when you're losing track of reality, and considering using kitchen utensils as the drinks rather than to prepare the drinks.
- Watch TV for a while. Repeat everything spoken, in tones of firm conviction. Recite the advertisements as a mantra.
After these few precautions, you should find your unicorn reappearing, possibly with friends too! And lots of bright colours? Can't you see them? Yes that's it, you've got it! The Unicorn is pwetty. See the Unicorn run.
Spots - This is a feature, not a bug. Don't take unicorns with spots to the vet, instead, be proud! You are most likely the lucky owner of a lesser-spotted unicorn. They're quite rare. Unicorns aren't spotted very often you know.
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